Journal

I am in need of a miracle. Each day brings more heartbreak in my home. I can't get through to our son. He has just gotten into such a horrible rut he won't even try to get out. Each day talking to him is like walking on nails. He talks to me with such misery it is like he hates me with such a passion. He stays locked in his room all the time only coming out for school. He is failing with straight E's in every class. This is his senior year and for the last 12 years I have been fighting to get him through school. He is already a year behind now what will happen if he fails again?

My son will be a dropout bum with no job and nothing. Will I forever be supporting him for the rest of my life while he fights me everyday.

He won't do a thing I ask him and argues every time I open my mouth to say something. He will turn everything around and try to make me believe I am losing my mind. I know he is lying but he will keep going till I just break and leave. I have arranged for him to see a therapist on Saturday and of course he is really fighting that. If he does not change soon I will have a breakdown. My insides hurt and I am so depressed nothing changes with him. I am mad at the world for losing my husband and making my life turn upside down. Why did things have to turn out like this? Am I going to have to deal with all of this forever? There does not ever seem to  be an end.

His blood pressure is so high because he does nothing but sit in his room, he eats horrible and was just put on medicine to try to bring it down. He is 18 years old and on Blood pressure medication! His numbers are very high I am worried sick he will have a stroke or worse. He won't take his medicine. I have to make him take a pill each day. I am at such a loss with him this therapist is my last resort. If things don't change with him soon I just feel like my life is going to take a drastic turn for the worse.

It is approaching my 2nd Thanksgiving Holiday without you. I am cooking this year and our daughter and the baby will be coming over for the night, her idiot husband is eating with his family. I don't want to even look at him. He is such a pathethic loser there are no words to describe him. She is working on getting away from him once again this time she says she has had enough. In her financial situation it will be very hard to find a place for a single handicapped mother with very little income to survive. And since he does not work there is no way she can collect any child support.Just another brick on the pile.

The only good thing that has come out of all of her mess is now my daughters get along very well. They talk to each other and exchange stories. Terra is going to take her sister to see a movie after dinner next week and since April's birthday is in December we decided we would let her pick out some clothes and I am going to get her hair done. She has not had her hair done in over a year. When you have no money you can't afford to get your hair done, her clothes are all worn and shabby and she does not get to do anything. When you are paralyzed your options are limited without help. For over 2 years her husband has drained any possible hope of her every having anything.

I have been going thru the house trying to figure out what to do with all of your things. Our son has no interest in hunting or anything for that matter so I started selling some things I know he will never use. It is so painful to give away things that belonged to you and then to have people haggle with what you are asking it like a slap in the face. For heaven's sake you are getting it for a steal then you are going to keep hounding me, I must have that pathetic weak look of a  widow on my face.

Just another thing to add to everything else.I can see the toll all of this is having on me and I can also see  won't have a long life. Stress will take years from you and I can feel the years slipping by. Puts me in a panic mode to get my affairs in order. The only good thing is when it is my time I will be with you again.

It is my only thing to hold onto is that one day we will see each other again. 

"HERE WITHOUT YOU"

Well it is Sunday Nov 1st about 1:00 in the morning and even with sleeping pills I can't sleep knowing that come Monday morning I will be taking my beautiful Dakota to his final day on this earth. I knew the time would come but I just did not think so soon. My German Shepard has reached his point and there is nothing I can do to help him. His legs just are not holding him and he struggles to walk, I can see his pain he can't seem to relax and to watch him try to get up the steps is unbearable. The vet always told me that dogs his size live about 12 years maybe 13. He is 125 lbs and has been the best dog you could ask for. He was mine, he had to be where I was at all times. He was so protective of his family he would have to stand between me and anyone who walked in the door. He was friendly but so intimidating to people because of his size. No one knew he was so gentle, they just saw a huge German Shepard and that was it. He was a strong powerful dog who would protected his family. My husband was never a dog person but when no one was around he would pet Dakota and talk to him. The dog and my husband were jealous of each other. He watched my every move and knew exactly how to react.

When my husband died I started letting him sleep in my room, where he has been everynight for over 2 years now. Now this last 2 weeks he has struggled to get up all those steps. In the last few days I had to keep him in the garage because he just can't make it. I tried putting a gate across the steps hoping he would just sleep at the bottom but no he knocked the gate down and tried to get up there with me. Now as I sit in my room I know he will never be by my side again.  My brother called today and ask if I wanted him to come help but I could not even talk about it. I cried and told him I will do this alone.

Just thinking about it makes me cry. The vet suggested I not stay but I can't leave him to die alone. I will not let him go to sleep without seeing me right beside him.  I am going to miss him so much, when I leave to go to work his head would be sticking out of the window, curtains pulled back watching me and when I came home there he was sitting at the front door and when my car pulled in he would stand and watch me come up the walk, he knew mom was home and he would get his treat.

Well I am feeling heartbroken and wish my husband were here to help me get through this. I need my hero to save the day. He always took all the pain away. Wishing he were here with me. I miss you so much my love, please take care of my Dakota he is going to be with you, He will watch over you now.

"I will love you forever and forever more"

'HERE WITHOUT YOU"

Sad & Lonely

Hello my love,

I am sitting here staring out my office window looking at the bright sun and  thinking of you, something I do every minute of everyday. I met your buddies last night for dinner and we had a lot of laughs sharing stories about you and your witty sense of humor. You touched so many people and they all miss you so much. I can sense they feel uncomfortable talking about you. They are worried how I am taking it but I love talking about you.

Your son passed his driver's test by the skin of his teeth, I put a tight leash on him. He drove to school Monday and today and I have been on edge just waiting for that call he is home and parked. Thank the lord we are blocks from school and he is on no major roads. Tonight he is supposed to meet 3 classmates to work on a project and is driving himself.  I will be a wreck till he gets home. I know I have to back off and let him learn but he really needs a lot more practice, he still has that attention span the size of a pencil point so I am worried sick.

Our daughter just has someone hit her 2 weeks ago in the KMart parking lot at night, Thank god no one was hurt, then by the time I got there which was seconds from the call, all hell broke loose. The girl told me she could not stop in time, OK fine I thought no big deal and she admitted it was her fault and she also admitted she backed her car up. It was a 2 week nightmare but I proved the case and her insurance paid and she now has her car back like brand new so all is well. She has learned a lesson she screamed at me to let her handle it she is an adult and told me to back off right up till they denied her claim and refused to pay for the damage then she called me crying and saying she was sorry for screaming at me etc. Hell have no fury like me when someone messes with my kids. There is nothing I won't do to protect them. But then you already know that. I really gave you a work out trying to control my temper, I am sorry for that my dear.

I am off work tomorrow so I will be coming to the cemetary to put all your fall flowers on your grave, I have some beautiful things to give you. I have 2 medical test scheduled so I took the day off I need some time to spend with you. I have not been there as much as I would like I have been so busy and that is not an excuse I am happy about.

And last but never least our oldest daughter called begging me to help her once again her engine blew up in her car and they had no money to even begin to get it fixed. I stayed strong and said NO and she finally broke me down so once again $2,000 I handed out for her. I am tired of taking care of everything, why can't his mother ever help and I get the same old story she won't or she has no money blah blah... I told her guess what I am broke now from taking care of your problems who is going to help me?  It does not matter what I say she only thinks of herself and feels she is intitled to me paying for things. Our daughter knows I will do anything for my granddaughter. I think that was a leverage for her, She told me she was paying me back $ 200.00 a month and she sent me the baby's benefit card so I can withdraw my money each month and send her the rest to pay bills. I thought well maybe I will get paid back this time but each week I get a call and her trying to change the payment arrangements again, first the baby needs a new car seat, NO I said you find another way, then she wanted to buy her something for Christmas, I told her NO she is 7 months old she will not know her parents did not get her anything she will get plenty from everyone else. So each week she calls and rambles on with another problem. Terrible to say but it was better when we did not speak I did not have this constant begging and guilt trips to deal with. Today she calls on my lunch hour while I was trying to run some errands asking me if I can find somewhere to take the baby for the H1N1 vaccine, they are out in her state.

I am worn out and what a thing to write about, PROBLEMS. I hope my stress test goes well tomorrow maybe I can start breathing again. I really want to be left alone, I love our children but they are draining the life out of me. Why can't these 3 adult children make it on their own? I want you to come back I need you I can't do this alone. I will fall apart soon come back please.

I  am done I typed out all my frustrations got it off my chest somewhat. I had to laugh last night when your friends said if you were here you would have knocked the crap out of  that idiot son in law,and there would not have been all these issues with our children. Done!!!! Your word was it. No more whining it was over and they respected that.

I would be happy, smiling and laughing again. I would sleep at night knowing you were by my side. My husband with his big tender heart how could god take you from me. My days would not drag like forever. Now I watch and listen as others talk about what they did last night or last weekend with their husbands and all I can do is smile a fake smile and act happy for them when I really want to say is I don't care I don't want to hear about your romantic weekends. I am rude and heartless now my happiness is gone I have been so unhappy for 2 years now and the pain won't go away. HORRIBLE UNBEARABLE PAIN PLEASE STOP.

Done.

Forever yours,

'HERE WITHOUT YOU"