Journal

Well shit I dont have much to say- Im going to ramble here - why not? The only place to be honest. The pain in my body is efin killing me . I have gotten pretty good at ignoring the pain... but sometimes I swear- Its just too much to deal with. I want to bawl and bawl the last few days it hurts so bad in my legs and I have NO energy. Here we go ... time to piss and moan its MY journal...I hide my pain form everyone and no one knows exactly how I feel...I wouldnt blame anyone for getting tired of hearing about pain- so I dont talk about it anymore ...when asked... I am "fine." Thats what they want to hear anyway so good enough for me. I am fine on th eoutside give a smile meanwhile my body screams at me on the inside. Sccrreaaaammmms. I just want a good day where I feel good for the whole day... ahhh how nice that would be. 

  I miss my dad so much... I think people think I should be over this death "thing" by now ... but Im not so sure there is going to be a time line for this. These fucking vultures at the retirement home keep sending me bills of his to pay - that A I dont have and Im not responsible and B he didnt have much left from his years of hard work- whats left is tied up and I dont have it. They send me bills even after I keep contacting them over and over- fucking clueless no heart or kueth... they made up this stupid ass bill - now thats he is gone what can I do to prove anything I swear it makes me furious!  They are so tacky-I wont say their name but the place is in Arizona and its a very upscale place right in the town of Ocotillo- cant believe it was 4 thousand dollars a MONTH to live there- but... he loved it and thats all that counts... he had a great last year of his life. I cant believe my dad died... I cant believe he is gone. Gone forever. He was such a friend to me and we woudl tak on the phone and just laugh and laugh. I think I am depressed and thats hard to admit. I cant get over this right now and I keep thinking that I should be over it and I cant. I never been a "crier" but I have cried alot since dec 11th than I have in my whole life. Almost been 4 months now. Is this taking me too long? I dont know... wait... who gives a shit- I dont. It is what it is. I know he wouldnt want me sad all the time- he would probably say something like ... "I turned up my toes so who gives a shit? You ll be alright IM just fine... everybody has to turn up there toes eventually someday..." He is right and he always had such a funny way of putting things... 

 Its just so hard I keep seeing him in that hospital bed -sleeping with tubes and stuff all over the place...and the vison of my brother tears streaming down his face. I will NEVER forget that. 

Well I guess Im done for my piss and moan session for tonight....night.