Journal

The only word that comes to mind.....

 Whatever.

Lately the biggest question I have been debating the answer to is, am I really happy or just wanting to be?. I keep thinking about the past and the "bad" times never seem to be remembered. All I remember is laughing and having crazy times with the friends I had. The random trips we took, the crazy ideas of fun we had, the countless nights we entertained ourselves without having to drink or party. I forget about the hard times, the bad times, the times I was so close to calling it quits. I forget the cutting. I forget the crying. I forget the friendships that fell through. I was like a different person back then to now. 

 What scares me the most is, I still see the depressed, beaten down girl shine through at times. I have matured through all of the stuff I have had to deal with over the past 2 years, but then again I know I still deal with it. I find myself staring at the stars at night, wishing my best friend and first true love would have never left me. Would have never stopped loving me, would never have changed our lives. I think about him everyday still and it still breaks my heart. I find myself wishing my other best friend and I would of never focused so much on a physical relationship. That we would of had more time together, to be friends. That emotions and feelings of more than just friends would of never entered the relationship. Unfortunately, I don't regret cutting. It is the only thing in the laundry list of problems I have had that makes sense to me. I wanted to feel pain and cutting gave me a reason too. My goals on this site were to stay optimistic and positive and to Reconnect with friends and neither have had much progress because I can't truly say that I am optimistic and positive...yes I have a ton of good things happen along with all of the bad things, including my amazing boyfriend, but really is it enough to outweigh all the old stuff I have dealt with. I have stgruggled with the reconnect with friends goal, because I have lost all my friends. I still cry myself to sleep because of it.

Honestly, I am not happy. I am just hoping to be. That is the answer to the initial question I had asked.