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celticfife 
12:54pm, November 9, 2008
I'm here now, with my mom. I'm so grateful my dad got wireless internet here.
I got the news during the day about mom being put on morphine. Then I got a call later saying that I should come over, the nurses said they don't expect her to last the night.
I don't know what to say. She's my mom. As embattled as the two of us have been through the years, she's the only mother I've had and for the most part, I had an extremely happy childhood.
It is time for forgiveness, both for her and for me. It is no longer the time for holding onto the bitterness and the grudges. I know that I am like her in this way. I want to stop it. During the later years of her life, I feel it robbed her of a lot of joy. I don't want to lose joy - not when life is so goddamned short.
I had a mother who threw birthday parties: streamers, party games, planned scavenger hunts, the whole nine.
I had a mother, who for every holiday, made sure the house was decorated with those .50 cent cardboard cutouts.
I had a mother who made sure we had plenty of boardgames to play, so that we weren't TV zombies. I had a mother who drove us to every possible extra-curricular activity.
I had a mother who went all out for Christmas. The tree was her domain and she spent hours perfecting it. She made sure we had our own ornaments, and added one every year. She gave us a whole sack of presents each. Oh, the trees we've killed in the name of wrapping paper!
I look through picture albums, and oddly enough - most of the pictures of her are pictures of me too. And she's holding me - we look like the bestest buds. Which is sadly, not what I've taken with me. Sad for me that I couldn't look beyond the fighting, sad for her that she had a daughter who couldn't see her in the shining light she deserved.
I come to realize my entire identity is wrapped up in her, whether seeking her approval or going against it. How do you lose that person? How is that ever okay? I don't think it ever is.
So here I am - my husband keeping my company, and I'm next to my girl, my mom. A strong, confident woman who said her mind. Who rarely declared her love, but showed it through action. A woman who had true generosity and giving in her.
I love you so much, Mom. I hope you know just how much. I hope you can forgive me for all the times I've disappointed you. I'm grateful for everything. I'll miss you.
Comments
I am so glad you are able to make peace right now, that is so key.
You are strong, you are amazing, and you are a wonderful daughter to her just as she tried to do her best for you. You might not have always seen each other in the most positive lights, but you're right. She's still your girl.
Please make sure you kiss her forehead and tell her how much you love her. I'll be praying for you guys, and please let me know if you'll need anything.
***Big Giant Loving Hugs***
DaisyYellie
Laura, the most important thing is you are with your mother during the extremely diffcult time. I have gone through with my late dad. It is one if not the hardest times one endures in their life between a child and parent. The fact you are there with your mom is more rewarding then you can imagine when you look back down the road. Making peace is comforting. You are stronger then you know and your strenght will help you get through this challenging and emotional time. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Blessings. xx Elena
missy13
you make me cry. i believe with every fibre of my being that your mom knows exactly what is in your heart. she is your mom. you are her child. as surely as you know the love between you, so does she. she has to. she is the other half of that love, and i don't think there is anything that can break what is between you. your friends are all thinking of you Hon. thanks for sharing. it means a lot to me and i am sure to all your friends here.
Sooo
HUGS to you, my friend, as you go through this very sad time. Please know that I'm thinking of you. You are a loving, sensitive person, and you're right about your mom being such an integral part of who you are, your identity. You have such rich & wonderful memories of your mom & it's so important that you hold those good things, the endearing memories, close at this time. Let by-gones be by-gones...she KNOWS you've always loved her. A mother always knows what's in her child's heart, so rest assured, you can be at peace. Take care....more hugs.... ~Shell~
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