breakXmeXdownx's Journal

Dear Chet,

I saw your body today. Everyone did. Why did you do this? I mean...I understand Chet, because I felt that way after you died. But how can you die? Why did you do this to us? Please don't feel guilty, because you deserve to be somewhere better than this world, and you knew that.  

I saw you today Chet, for the last time ever, in my entire life. I can only hope that whatever power there is, be it God, be it reincarnation, be it nothing at all, that somehow, some way, everything will be okay. I will be able to feel you next to me. I will be able to breathe without a sharp pain that reminds me that I shouldn't deserve to breathe if you aren't.

Why were you covered in so much make up, Chet? Why were there black spots on your forehead that the make up could barely hide? Why couldn't you open your eyes? Why couldn't you look back at us? Chet, why was there make up on your finger tips? What did they do to you? What did you do to yourself?

Why was your mom screaming, Chet? Why is everyone screaming inside? Why do I want to tear my own skin off, if you are in a better place? Why is everyone suddenly believing you are in heaven, believing in God, if God is the one that let this happen to you? Why did God save my life so many times, but not yours? Why can't I close my eyes without seeing your dead body, the reflection of your lifeless face against a picture of you and Garrett...the make up that only made it more obvious that you were dead?

Why aren't you waking up, why aren't you laughing? Why can't you do something for us, to comfort us, when we're in so much pain because of you? Why aren't you here, Chet? You didn't want to do this...I would have stopped you, why didn't you call me? Why didn't I read your note in time?

Chet, why did you do this when you didn't want to? Why would you take your life if no one came to stop you? We had no time, brother. We had absolutely no time. Had I read that note in time, I would have saved your life. And Chet, I would have given my life for yours.

I tried hanging myself with a belt, too. But I chickened out. I tried killing myself, too, but the pills never worked. I tried at least 10 more times than you, why was I saved?

I'll be the sister you want me to be, brother. I'll do what you wanted me to, what you told me to be before you left. My life is dedicated to yours now, and I won't ever forget that. My last cigarette was for you, yesterday. I'll listen to my parents more. I'll be more straight-edge, I'll stop being such a whore, I'll clean myself up. I'll do what you always told me to do. I'll get a job and I'll be happy and I'll start a family. My kid will be named after you. I promise you that. You can't be forgotten, brother. 

I love you so much Chet. And you never got to know that, but I think you did. Not as a romantic marriage type love, but the type of love where I would just like to spend the day arguing and fighting and laughing and crying with you, telling you things that no one else knew. Showing you things that you've never seen, teaching you things that you never learned, just like you did for me.

Big brother, this isn't the last time that you will hear from me. I love you so much.