Join Now
breakXmeXdownx 
9:12pm, July 1, 2009
I don't know what happened to me.
I'm honestly changing,
A lot.
I don't know if this really is because I gave up on men,
And now I'm just doing what they want.
And I don't know why I'm doing this,
But I felt no pain at all.
I was talking to Graham, this kid from Bethel.
And he was horny.
And out of nowhere it turned into a plan
That we were going to have sex on Monday.
And so we went on video chat.
And I had just stepped out of a shower.
I had a bra and underwear on,
And a robe.
He wanted to see one of my shoulders.
So I showed him one of my shoulders.
He told me that I should take my bra off, but keep the robe on.
So I did.
He told me to just wrap the robe around me so he could see my shoulder area.
It's not a shoulder fetish.
And then he kept asking me to flash him.
For some reason I still had enough respect for myself to not do that.
Maybe I was just self-conscience.
I really think that's the only reason,
Which makes me twice as pathetic.
And then I guess I was coming back into it
And I said
"Hey Graham?"
"Mhm?"
"Do you think we can ever date?"
"Uhm...this is why I didn't really want to talk to you when I'm horny."
"Oh...uhm...is there....someone else?"
"Yes."
"Oh..."
And I started crying.
Not because I desperately wanted to date him,
But because I was used.
And I knew I was going to be the entire time.
He didn't see me crying.
I ducked my head so he could only see the top of it.
And he goes
"Haley, look at me. Please."
"I am."
"Haley, you're so sweet...and you're pretty. And you're so nice. I'm so sorry. Please just hate me."
"No."
"Haley I'm sorry, I didn't mean for this to happen."
".........."
"Do you like me?"
I nodded.
"I'm so sorry."
He said it was better if we stopped talking.
I don't know what happened to me.
I'm pretty sure I accidentally took way too much of my meds.
I'm supposed to take 40mg of Lexapro,
And I think I took 120.
I take 60 mg secretly, and I think I did it twice, forgetting I had taken the pills in the morning.
Maybe that had something to do with it.
My head was killing me the entire time.
I'm sick of using myself.
Comments
Haley...
I'm hearing you... how you're taking this pain out on yourself with the prescription drugs and the uncomfortable chat and all that.
I'm trying to put this chain of events in linear order to make sense of it. There was some random guy you didn't know well...he was horny..."out of nowhere" you decided to have sex with him (even though you've been recently posting on the Abstinence board so I know you're interested in changing this behavior!)...you showed him your body over the webcam...you found out he was dating someone else...THEN you (suddenly?) decided you liked him and you became upset that you were being used?
If you were randomly arranging sex with someone you barely knew, it sounds like you were planning to use each other for affection. The plan fell through because he wanted the more physical side and you wanted the more emotional side, so the deal wasn't going to work out.
So...are you upset because you like him and he's "taken", because you think he was trying to use you, or because you didn't get what you wanted from him?
Tucker
brojin