breakXmeXdownx's Journal

Things are like, 

Shifting.

I don't know.

I mean, I'm happy right now,

I'd be so much happier if my parents backed off about Nick.

He's going to all of his classes next week, and he's going to stop smoking.

And I keep telling him that I'm not worth it.

But he refuses to believe that I guess.

I'm not aloud to hang out with him outside of school,

But I managed to get him to come over to Liz's without my mom knowing.

We haven't really gone far, because like, of course it's only the beginning.

We just kiss.

But yesterday was the first time we ever made out. 

And it was amazing.

I could tell it was his first time.

And we made out for a long time.

It wasn't like when I made out with Tyler.

Tyler kinda just felt me up during it, and it was more sexual.

With Nick, he kinda just held me really close.

He hugged me, and played with my hair. 

If anything I was the one who made it sexual,

But unintentionally.

It's really kind of an oxymoron.

Because sexual things right away is a turn off for me.

But romantic things make me want to lead it to sexual things.

So like, when I was making out with Nick, I was like...what do I do?

I didn't do anything, it's too soon.

So Liz came and slept over at my house.

Tyler bitched at me yet again, and it was really tiring.

He hung up on me,

I called him back.

He picked up, said "shut up." and hung up again.

So I called him back and left him a voicemail.

And I said

"I'm sick of this and I'm sick of you. Either grow up or don't talk to me. I want to be friends, but I'm not dealing with you like this."

I never thought I'd hear myself say that.

He called me a whore for moving on so quickly.

He said he didn't want to be left alone so quickly.

He told me-literally straight up told me-"Just leave me alone."

So I did eventually, and it really hurt.

But I did it and I moved on.

So then Nick, Travis, and Zach snuck over to my house last night.

Travis is Liz's boyfriend.

And we had to split up so my parents wouldn't come downstairs and see a whole group of us.

Me and Nick went into a closet full of blankets,

Liz and Travis got the bed,

And Zach just watched TV.

Me and Nick talked,

Made out for like, ever,

And then talked a little more.

I could tell he really wanted to just make out.

Which isn't a bad thing unless I really am forced.

But...it was so sweet.

I got too tired to continue kissing him.

So I said I wanted to go to sleep.

So we went to the bed and he held me.

We were looking at eachother, our faces maybe 2 inches apart.

 I traced his face with my fingers...I never really noticed how beautiful his face is.

I mean, I knew he was attractive, but still.

He's...beautiful.

I'm afraid of falling for him.

I'm afraid to go and let that happen again...honestly.

He's so...perfect.

I know I said that about Tyler.

But there's nothing perfect about what we went through,

And it took me until now to admit it, though I knew it all along.

I just didn't want to.

Maybe I'm not good enough.

I keep telling him that I'm not worth it.

I know my worth.

And my worth is above Tyler,

But I don't know about Nick.

I don't want to force him to clean up his act.

I mean, yeah, it's for the better, and it's what I want so that I can date him,

But what if it's not what he wants?

All I know is that I'm doing better,

And it's thanks to all my friends and Nick.

I'm better.