MzBabsie's Journal

So, the last few days haven't been a blast.  Thursday I weighed myself in "celebration" of living a vegetarian lifestyle, exercising more, and basically having the self control to stick to something like this for 105 days (I can be very flaky, and tend to start things I dont finish...I blame it on being a Gemini) only to find that I've GAINED 18lbs.  Wow...really?  After eating healthier and exercising more than I ever do?  What a blow to the ego.  So Friday morning, pouty and sad, I start my day off with a mocha iced latte and doughnut from dunkin doughnuts, and sulked.  I sulked at work, I sulked at home.  I blew off what was supposed to be a fun evening playing airsoft with friends, because I had convinced myself I am too fat to have fun. 

Saturday, I didnt change out of my PJs and sat around all day, half awake, half asleep.  I was a zombie.  I ate, watched TV and then ate some more...watched TV, went to bathroom, ate...you get the point.  I was in bed by 9pm on Saturday night because I was so tired from not doing anything.  Did you know you could be tired from not doing anything?  Whodathunkit?  This morning, I woke up after sleeping 11 hours (I dont think i've done that since I was a teenager!) and seemed to be in a much better mood.  My fiance and I switched sides of the bed last night, and maybe that why...I just woke up on the right side of the bed.  I decided not to blame my weight gain on hormones, hypothyroidism (which I'm not even diagnosed with, but tried to convince myself I MUST have)and everything else under the sun.  I decided that I need to take responsibility for my actions.  I decided that I am to blame for my body and health, I am responsible, and my health and appearance is the direct result of negligence and irresponsibility. 

We were supposed to go swimming with Jeff's cousin today, and I said to myself "You are NOT going to keep missing out, and making others miss out, on having a great time because you want to feel sorry for yourself."  We called his cousin and said "Meet you there at noon!"  I reluctantly walked into the bathroom and got undressed in front of the mirror and just stared at myself.  This is me.  This is what people see when they look at me.  THIS is my first impression.  I looked at my face, my chin tucked in, comfortably cushioned on a pillow of fat.  I didn't notice my blue eyes, or my cute ears...but the fat that holds my face up in place...at least I assume this must be the purpose for this complimentary fat cushion.  They call it a double chin, I blame it on the double cheesburger.  You would think a person who eats a lot wouldn't have a double chin from all the jaw movement...just a thought.  Anyhow, I don't want that to be the first thing people see or notice.  I searched for my eyes, it was hard to look MYSELF in the eye (harsh!) and I said to the fat girl who glared at me "This is all your fault..."  I wanted to make sure she knew, without a doubt, that she needs to stop making excuses and there is no one to blame but her.  I dont feel like a fat girl, and I'll be damned if I give her the control to keep me like this.  I walk around in this fat suit, and it's such an eye sore, no one can see the real me inside.  So, this afternoon, I put my swmsuit up over my fat suit, and I went to the pool.  I got to the pool and undressed as if I were in my own bathroom.  I walked to the pool nonchalantly, uncaring what people saw, or what they were thinking, and slowly entered the pool.  My fat suit wasn't there, and I was cool and confident.  I had a blast.  I feel like today at the pool, my fat suit disappeared...just for a moment...and I was the woman I feel inside.  It was a great feeling, and the motivation I was looking for. 

I had to write about this experience because this is the FIRST TIME EVER receiving motivation from within myself.  I have always looked to google's host of before & after pictures, or reading other's success stories...never finding triumph inside.  Having a fear and forcing myself to conquer it.  To put my guard down, and ignoring any doubts, jumped in with both feet regardless of my size.  And, I have to give my fiance credit...all those gorgeous girls at the pool with their near perfect bodies, gorgeous tan skin and hot bikinis...he never took his eyes off me and looked even once.  I love a happy ending.