Journal

I have deleted all of my journals because I want to look forward into the future instead of remembering the past.  My past journals were mostly of sadness, pain and frustrations so I wanted to make a new start and so I have.  A lot has been going on but I just want to take the time to talk of a friend who has passed away.  My dear Jazzy.

I miss her.  I found out yesterday that she has passed.  Thank you so much my friends here for letting me know.  I have not been well connected lately because of all the computer problems and am so glad to have you all letting me know what is going on with our friends.  I feel very guilty for not having been around.  I dont know what her life has been like for the past few months.  We kept missing each other.  I do know she was diagnosed with ALS and am so glad that she is not around to go through those complications.  She has suffered enough.  I wish I could have said good bye.  But I did in my own way last night.  Said a prayer to her before I went to bed.  Hope she heard me.  She was my first DS friend.  I originally got on DS because I was sick and alone and miserable every second of the day.  I found DS and was excited for awhile but quickly felt like it was just another place to be alone at.  Then Jazzy found me!  And I knew that if I never gained another friend I would come here for her.  We have...had the same sense of humor.  She seemed to always tell me the things I would tell myself but needed to hear from another party for it to sink in and to feel right.  She was always supportive and spunky!  Like a wild child within.  I love hearing of the jazzmobile and her lush garden I have always been envious of.  We both called our pets our furry babies.  She stood up for me countless times even standing up to me when I felt stupid or critical of myself.   I knew that no matter what else CFS and my other problems took from me she would not judge me or think less of me.  She could see who I am.  She always saw the silver lining in the day.  I love her and I miss her and feel like crying and not getting out of bed but I do for jazzy.  She never told me that I couldnt be well.  She would hope and pray with me and encourage me to keep fighting.  When I can drive I will always call my car the jazzmobile to remind myself of the freedom I think she felt.   Driving is one thing she and I love to do.  I enjoy writing and told her she was going to be a character in a book.  Jazzy Weathers is what I am thinking of calling her.  And when I get the blasted book done she will know that I made it and that  I got out of this mess and I will take her with me.  Her and Peter both.  I will add her furry babies as well.  I will forever record her jazzmobile and the way I see her.  Wading in the 'pond'.  Enjoying chocolate cake and playing with Minky.  Tending to her garden and the monarch butterflys.  And just being full of energy and light no matter what the illness really did to her body.  And selfishly I will write of her more for me than for her because our friends are our hearts and we always need them near by.

We all have each other.  Our doctors can turn their backs on us our families dont have to understand our friends can move on without us but DS is here and so are all of YOU.  The characters of my life and I am thankful for every single one of you!  You are all my truest friends.  You all inspire me so much.  I feel like I am running a marathon and you are the guys standing by (and sometimes running along with me) handing me water and screaming with might, "You can do it!" I think we all are that for each other and that is a beautiful thing.  I could go on but I have rambled far enough.

There is a story that happened with the dog on Monday that I think she would have enjoyed but it is long so I will tell it another day.

I still can not believe she is gone.