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osteoron 
1:19am, February 25, 2009
Well, once again my hopes to continue my degree have dashed. I doubt that this was ever possible for me. I was foolish for wanting this. It just wasn't meant to be.
Comments
BUT.....what HAPPENED?????
4mytasha
I had been eligible for all sorts of funding -- then. The people who should have and could have assisted me were incompetent and negligent. Now, after working more than a decade to be well enough to return to work, I have been effectively excluded from getting my education. it was the only reason that I did what I did. Now i have nothing to look forward.
I have filed one complaint after another. Others will benefit from my bringing the issues forward regarding people with disabilities, but I have grown bitter.
The resounding response is "too bad, so sad".
I've lost interest in helping anyone as a result.
osteoron
I remembered a conversation with V today from a few years back. I always considered myself to have a 'death wish'. For as far back as I can remember, I never wanted to be alive and alot of the things that I did were in furtherance to that wish. Of course, finding out about 'thanatos' was a temporary relief, that others might also have a will to die, where other may have a will to live.
As I look at the behaviour of others -- from excessive drugs, alcohol, food and obsesity, promiscuous sex in the age of disease, far more people are seeking death than would acknowledge it.
A person's will to live, or will to die is directly proportional to their knowledge of the future.
I've seen many people become hopeful in recents months as they learned more information that they didn't have in how their future would be something to look forward rather than something to dread. That, however, is not true for everyone. Not everyone has something to look forward to in life -- quite the opposite in fact.
osteoron
I am having coffee with G on Tuesday. I am not looking forward to it despite his complaints that I am not available as much as he would like. By the end of the day, I am exhausted and the pain approaches excruciating. I don't enjoy it. But, I will do it. I did it two months ago as well. Bringing on more pain to satisfy others is losing its appeal. I don't enjoy the time, so coming up with reasons to continue some of these relationships/friendships is no longer making sense.
I emailed them yesterday that I wouldn't be coming today for the dinner. Forget it. I am tired and I am in pain. I won't enjoy myself. I've been doing this for years. Taking on extra pain is not worth it. They are upset with me and that's fine. It's selfish on their part to expect me to suffer for them to feel good.
osteoron
I am so sorry to hear you are having so much pain & frustration. You are in my thought & prayers.
13blues
am so sorry osteoron - we dont know each other, but I hope much that yu do feel things are a little better soon......so frustating and depressing for you.......huggs Cathrynn X
Cathrynn
I am sorry you are in so much pain. if you need to chat,talk or r\ant...l will listenx Lynda
toolboxcounsellor
i'm not sure what the whole situation is, but i'm sorry your having a hard time.
mel73
Just checked to see how you are doing but no new entries. Hope you start feeling better, empty words I know, but words are all we have to try and up-lift and build up anothers' feelings. Take care and blessings to you.
springkitty
I am sorry, but you should never, ever give up!!!! You have to move on! You have all these friends of your you can count on and a peace of mind you will have, so don't ever give your dream up. Please? like your friend springkitty said words are all we have, and hopefully that will help you get threw this pain and frustration.
Lots of prayers and huggers for you!! :)
pouch
It's called karma.......
Melasande
now you know what it feels like
nessa1
seems to me you need a attitude adjustment, and maybe things would turn around for you. negative just breeds negative
MaryC2
I'm sorry for this dark place you are in. We can lead a horse to water but we can't make him drink. The drinking is all up to us. I am compassionate about your feeling disappointed. Disappointment has had the ability to color my whole outlook on everything. It does pass, and you will have to look at this as not just one door closing, but there is a window opening on the other side of the room if you would but turn and look. I think the hardest thing for us to do sometimes is have a plan B, and then be willing to accept that plan B may be the way we have to go. I am willing a sense of hope your way.
hiareth12
Don't ever give up on yourself and your dreams. I want you to know worked in banking for many years and hated my job. My bachelor's degree in English literature wasn't going to get me very far. Then at 36 I decided to say fu*k it. I quit my job and got into a master's program. I am now doing work I truly enjoy and am glad I never quit on myself. I am in a much better and happier place. You can be also just believe in yourself and your dreams.
Paladian