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Sooo 
3:37pm, December 16, 2008
i had started an entry alllll about the slippery slope i am on ..... then lost it. my own fault. multi-tasking. trying to start downloads of Dollhouse, Battlestar Galactica and Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. apparently my multi-tasking computer skills are compromised.
but i have coffee - wonderful Planet Bean Jungle Blend coffee.
but about this slippery slope. i know it. know it well. know where it leads, and know that once i slide t00000 far, i am committed to the course. i am so unwilling to stop it that i it feels like i CAN"T. i no longer slide, i gallop. i race for the bottom. it feels like i have no option but to keep going till i hit bottom, wallow around there a bit and then start the process of dragging myself up again.
what i mean to say is that, if i am going to stop this, i need to do it NOW. i am not good at stopping once i have opened the door. not very good at keeping the door closed for long periods of time BUT i am very good at opening the door a crack, getting what i need and then closing it again. once i let it open more than a crack ..... i'm out of control. and it doesn't end till i feel horrible physically and emotionally. it doesn't end till i have gained 5 - 10 pounds. it doesn't end until my ego is bruised and i feel dark.
so it comes down to choice doesn't t? do i want to go there again? NO. but there is some part of me that wants to . there is a part of me that wants to? how messed up is that? that there is a part of me that wants nothing more than to hurt me? to beat me down and shame me? just like dear old dad.
but this is me. this is my choice. funny eh? how i hated what he did. hated how he made me feel ..... but now there are times when i want to treat myself that very same way. i want to make myself feel like that. punish myself. cause i'm ... trained. as surely as dogs salivate at the sound of a bell, i am trained to punish myself when i deserve it.
and why do i feel like i deserve it? cause i am so intimidated by this guy. because i am so spineless. because i am letting him get the better of me. because it is MY RESPONSIBILITY to fix this and i'm not. because i feel like i am living with my Dad again. i'm 52 years old and i feel like i am 8. that's why.
Comments
Jan has taken you back to the Bad Place. That much is for sure. Is it REALLY your job to fix this? And if so what more could you have done? If you think there is anything more you can do why not get together with the others and talk it over. Then do it together? Perhaps this has already happened in that you have given notice, and perhaps there is nothing more anyone an do.
beiceth
Once again it's your choice as to how you feel. That little 8 yr old girl will always reside within you, but the 52 yr old Susan can CHOOSE to not let her feelings dominate your state of being.
Your dad can't hurt you anymore, you know that. At least without your permission, which I doubt you'd give to him.
You were punished enough way back then, and I don't think you need to punish YOURSELF now, just because that was what was familiar to you.
Start a new pattern & start to give yourself the gentle love you've always deserved, and what a better day to do this.... Valentine's Day.
Have you ever had therapy for childhood issues?
XoOXx
Slimpics