Journal

me .... this is me being completely focused on me.  maybe even selfishly so.

AND .... this hasn't always worked in the past for me, but it still feels like what i need to do right now so i am setting my intention and a goal this morning and well ... we shall see what we shall see.

so i warn anyone who is reading this - i am talking about weight.   losing weight so decide now if you want to go on.

i don't need to lose a lot.   just a few pounds.  no big deal for most people.   but i have often set myself up to fail when i have done this in the past.   not always but sometimes, the mere act of stating i want to cut back a bit or lose a bit sets off some kind of panic that leads to a binge.   so i need to set my intention carefully and proceed in a way that minimizes THAT outcome.

i didn't weigh myself this morning but i know.  i know i am up about 4 pounds.  5 at the very most.   as i said, not a big deal.   BUT i don't want to be 140 pounds.  i want to be 135.   that's  the place i feel best, i move best, i look best.   and eveyone knows if you don't take care of the first 4 or 5 pounds, before you know it it's 10 pounds, then 12 then 15. 

so .... this week i want to restrict ONLY wheat flour and sugar.   that is the only food i want off my list.   and i want to go to the gym a little more than i normally would.  that's all i need to do.  just those two things.    not a big deal.  

BUT .... i am aware of how these things can backfire on a compulsive eater.   say you can't have something and it feels like the universe will splinter and fail if you don't have it NOW.   so along with those two things i need to do a lot of self talk.   a lot of reassuring.    a lot of journalling.  a lot of paying attention to ME.   

Whooo Hoooo!!  he's gone!     gone gone gone!!!!!

vacuumed his EMPTY room, left his key, left a cheque for utilities and phone and left.

we were giddy last night.

AND ... my sister Laura and her daughter are coming either this coming weekend or next weekend.  

i'm a happy camper.

well Monday wasn't anything to brag about.   apparently 'Family Day' is nothing more than a day to veg out watching season 3 of House.... and ... pig out.  

but it's Tuesday now and i am soon off to work and back to my regular routine.

i am in a bit of a funk.   winter blahs.  whatever you want to call it.  but regardless,  i can not afford to let this creep into a multi-day binge.  i need to pull myself together now and deal with winter blahs, and estranged roommates and the uncertainty of where and when we move without bingeing.   i need to accept the uncontrolable aspects of life.  to relax and trust that things work out and that feeling anxious and uncertain are okay.  not life threatening.  it will pass.  things will sort themselves out.   anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.