Yeah, just got back from another …
Yeah, just got back from another psychiatrist. This one thinks I'm depressed too...great. If this continues, I …
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ellie23 
4:34pm, August 24, 2009
I haven't written a journal entry in ages, but i am so fed up at the moment that i would rather give people the choice of reading this than sending a message to every-one. the last couple of weeks havent been good ones for me, my pain levels have been high and i've had a problem coping with them, but yesterday just broke me. I ended up in work yesterday blowing my top and breaking down sobbing, to say i've had enough is an understatment!!!.......on Fridays when i work we have a bigish delivery normanly two do the delivery and one mans the till.....i usually man the till. One of the ladies who does the delivery came in to start her shift at 10-30 instead of 6-00 am, i was on my break when she came in to start, when i had finished two of them was on the tills so i said i would go over to the store and put all our paperwork for the morning back into the computer but before i could leave the delivery turned up...i went to go back on my till but no-one moved so i thought ok it looks like i'm doing the delivery so i got all the paper work i needed to check off what was being delivered, bear in mind itusually takes 2 to check this stock off but i was left on my own and as i have only done it a couple of times i was slow...i could feel myself begining to get worked up as i thought what is going on here !!!!..anyway i did all the checking we had 94 cases delivered over 50 of these cases was drinks and oil...now in the oil cases you have 4 containers of 4 litres so that would be 16 litres in one case then i had cases upon cases of drinks some with 24 bottles some with 12 .....and i thought no way am i moving them on my own that is going to kill me...i already have a bad back because of fibro and yesterday morning woke up with terrible pain in my shoulder and all ddown my right arm...so i knew i just couldnt do it.....no-one moved or offered to help so by this time i was boiling!!!!...i turned around and said right ladies i will be moving all the sweets and anything else that i can but i wont be picking up the heavy cases ....Bridget said oh you come back on the till to which i snapped dont worry about it i get the hint ( as you can see i was by this time boiling mad )......i started to put things away that i could and Bridget asked why is Linda being funny to you ? i had no idea.........i count these people as my friends so i dont know what in the hell i had done.......i went out in the back store room and i just broke down crying..the thing is i think and feel that they just dont understand what i have to cope with day after day....my pain starts as soon as i get out the bed before i do anything i have to take my pain-killers etc and after about 1 hr on a good day i will feel able to face the day......this is a on going daily thing that i have to put up with ...what is hurting me is i do everything that i can at work i go get stock i put stock out i put paperwork back into the computer ...i serve but there are some things i wont do now like lifting heavy things as i know what will happen to me..and that is days maybe months of intense out of control pain, this has happened to me before and i went into a flare and was off work for 10 wks i vowed then that i would not push myself or over-do it again at work.......if you dont have no obvious signs of pain that another can see they think there is nothing wrong with you that you are putting it on or blowing it up...i wish for just a darn week people could experience this pain and fatigue maybe then they wouldnt be so quick to judge you as lazy or moaning or what-ever... i am deeply hurt today and feel very low ....i havent gone to work today... i will lose a days pay but i just cant face going into work......i spent the rest of yesterday afternoon in floods of tears and feel no better this morning and thats on top of the pain......if i could i would hand my notice in !!!...maybe i am over reacting i dont know but it is hurting me ...i am not lazy nor do i not do anything at work i'm always doing what i can so why ....i feel i need to go and speak to Linda to ask her if she has a problem with me and if so what is it.....i hate this bloody fibro and everything that goes with it... i feel alone and just a bit lost this morning and i'm hurting badly on the inside as well as outside today......and to top it all i've been working this last 6-7 wks with this blood clot still in my leg and still running around getting the stock and filling etc.....am i moaning YES i am and i'm sorry but what do you do with people who dont understand whos attitude is take a couple of ordinary pain-killers and get over it ......Boy do i wish it was that simple ....that easy ......my darling daughters came to see yesterday and my eldest daughter gave me something that had me sobbing again and i am going to leave you with it.....i am sorry for venting for moaning maybe any of you who read this has faced this situation yourself and you have some advice for me as to how to handle it ...i dont know !!!!....anyway i hope YOU ALL have a good week-end filled with joy peace and happiness and thank you for taking the time to read this.
FROM MY DAUGHTER BECKY TO ME
ANGEL OF CARE
TAKE HEART FOR
IF LIFE SEEMS UNKIND
AND YOU HAVE
TROUBLES TOO
THERE'S SOMEONE WHO YOU CANNOT SEE
WHO'LL TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU
FOR YOU HAVE A GUARDIAN ANGEL
WHOSE LOVE IS VERY REAL
AND LOVE MAKES LIFE SEEM BEARABLE
HOWEVER BAD YOU FEEL.
I MAY NOT HAVE MONEY BUT I HAVE RICHES WORTH FAR MORE THAN THAT I HAVE BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTFUL AND CARING LOVING CHILDREN WHO I THANK GOD FOR !!!!!!!!!
GOD BLESS TO ALL OF YOU !!!...LOADS OF LOVE AND HUGS ELLIE XXXX
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Oh Ellie, I really feel for you right now. Please don't apologize for venting or "moaning". You have a right to be angry and want to be understood. I agree, I wish people could have our illness for just one week, just so they could understand! I wish I was one of those people too who can just take a simple over the counter pain pill and feel relief!
Thank you so much for sharing the poem from your daughter. It is incredible and I love it! I printed it out so I can put it by my computer and see it every day.
You are right - you have a treasure in your children! How wonderful!
God bless, Beverly :)
heybev13
so sorry you are not feeling well. I have been on a medical for all most 2 years now. I do not have to cope with going to work, not sure that I could.. I wish there was something I could do to help you. I am sure the weather has a lot to do with your pain. it has rained all most every day where I live and my pain has increased too. don't ever feel bad for venting, that is why we are here, i have found letting it all out, helps a great deal..bill has been having some aches and pains this summer that come and go with the weather changes, and he said just yesterday, he doesn't know how I can cope with it, because I have pain all over.. just take it 1 day at a time... love and hugs to you.
kimmy2
Dear sweet Ellie..Oh how it breaks my heart to know that you are suffering so ,and I am glad you are venting,now I know specifically what your needs are , and will be in prayer for your relief. You are one of the sweetest people I know , I have long admired your bravery to go on working. Yes , it would be nice if others could feel our pain and understand what and how we feel.Unfortunately that is not going to happen any time soon....and your friends here will support you..if we were closer , I'd be right over and fix you some tea.....and I would take care of you until you were rested enough to go back to work.. Please do rest while you can , and hopefully things will be more peaceful when you do return to work.
That was so sweet of your daughter.....and God's timing....to bring you the poem..you are blessed in so many ways.
May God bless you and keep you close to His heart
All my love , Sandra
DixieRose
Ellie, I am so sorry about your bad day. It is awful that you had to go through with it. I know how hard the lifting is. I hate work politics. I hope you can regroup before you have to go back. The poem from your daughter was sweet. Prayers for you my dear.
ReneeAnn
You're right they don't understand, if they did they would have offered to help. I'm sorry you had such a bad day. My prayers are with you.
justcantremember
Ah dear ellie I am so sorry you are hurting so badly inside and out. I just don't know how you do it. Yes I would have a little chat with that girl to see whats up with her. No they don't get it and that is so sad.I so wish you didn't have to go to work but I know you can't help it and that you have too. Can you start applying for disability soon? I am so glad you stood your ground and didn't lift those heavy boxes. I have not been on much as I am in flare too. I love you ellie. You are in my prayers. Relax today and know that we all care so much about you!
dallas2
NO need to apologise for venting, this is the place to do it, we're all here for you Ellie and understand. This fibro stuff is an absolute *&%%$", it anyone who hasn't experienced it can't possibly fully understand, we just hope they will at least try! As Marilyn says, I would have a chat with the girl, when you've calmed down, it's no good having bad feeling at work. Perhaps she needs reminding why there are some jobs you are unable to do. It could be she was having a bad day herself and will be suprised that you have been so upset.
Have you applied for DLA? It can be such a hard thing to do but if you were eligible you may be entitled to other benefits too and still be able to work part-time, if you really want to! You do have such a lovely family around you, whatever else happens, they will always be there for you. So.. relax and enjoy the clotted cream (am definately wearing a green face!) loads of love and hugs, Caroline xoxoxoxoxoxo
Poppyred
Ellie--don't ever worry about what you say here--we all understand and this is the place to just let it out!! You are a sweet, kind woman and I could just throttle anyone who gives you grief! (you didn't know little wabbit could be so feisty, did you?) I wish I could just pop over and make you some tea and sit with you for a visit. Since that is not possible, my words will have to do the trick.
Oh, Dear Ellie, I am hoping that you are feeling a little bit better today and that you have rested--not only your aching body, but your mind and heart, too... and I hope that all of our collective prayers and good wishes help you. As you have always helped so many others in need--including me! You are too sweet to suffer so. Love and hugs to you, Ginny
rabbitsruleagain
Oh LoveBunny, I am so sorry that you were treated this way. I am sure that pain has you stressed enough without having the extra thrown on top of it all. I hope that your talk with Linda accomplishes something good and she begins to understand how you are with this illness. Rest up today, my sweet.
mynameisD
We are here for you, that's why we have these journal entries; to share our problems, to vent, to cry, to whatever. Friends, family, coworkers will not understand what we are going through unless they have it themselves. We ALWAYS LOOK FINE, don't you just hate to hear that. I pray that thing will settle down for you at work, sometimes people just like to push our buttons or push us beyond our limits, Ihope this is not the case wiht your coworkers. Blessings to you, relax and recoop and maybe speak to the supervisor?
love and hugs
mary
Snuffles
Hey kiddo, boy do I understand I used to work in a deli and had to do the same thing while still serving the customers, it's not a fun thing. You end up in so much pain you think your going to go out of your mind. And it seems no one wants to help you. Do they know you have fibro?, mine didn't and I ended up quiting because my doctor said i just couldn't do it anymore. I really feel for you, please rest and try to take it easy we are all here for you, love'n'hugs, Jenni
Jennijem
So sorry you have pain and pray that u feel better very soon.
HILLY