I am scared out of my mind. I am …
I am scared out of my mind. I am the oldest of 8 children and I have 4 children of my own. I just started college and …
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crzychik 
So, I have not been completely honest with anyone about how I truly feel. Sorry to anyone that I have upset after you read this journal entry if anyone bothers to read it at all. I HAVE to get it out, after my doctor's appointment today, I realized that I have to be able to express my emotions. (even though I think emotions are bad) So, Here it goes:
Lately, especially with all I had to go through the last couple of months, I have been wishing I could be with my sister and brother...(for those of you that don't know, they committed suicide.)
I miss them so much and I just so badly wish that I did not have a daughter so I could be with them. My daughter is the ONLY reason why I have not attempted. (I say attempted, but I know of at least 2 ways I could succeed.)
I think more and more of being dead every day. I feel so alone. I feel I have to go through everythign alone and put on this happy face for the whole world to see.
I also feel like a hypocrite because I tell people and encourage people not to cut, but I do it. I am sorry for giving advice that I am not able to follow. It sucks I know. On top of that, I also quit eating because I HATE the way I look naked. My ass is huge and so is my stomache. I wish it was easy to change, but it's not. I have tried.
I know my life is easier than others' lives are but I am in so much emotional pain, it's not even funny. I am lucky to have what I have. A house, a beautiful daughter, food, animals that love me no matter what. A job, people at the school that seems to care about me very much. A family that loves me and cares about me. Friends on here that love and care about me as well.
But, even with all of that, I still wish that I could be with my siblings. I told my doctor that, he asked me if I have talked to anyone, I finally told him about you guys. He said that's good. I also journal, on here and in a notebook I have in my room. He told me that I am using the right tools that I am supposed to be using. He asked me if I had any plans for suicide and I told him the only reason why I don't and have not tried it is because of my daughter. I also told him that I know of 2 ways that I can succeed at it and he didn't quite like that one too well.
I am sorry to everyone that I may have betrayed by not being honest with them, or if they felt like I was lying to them in some way because I tell them not to cut or self harm, and I do it all the time. I have even been reading online about successful suicides. I know that's bad but I can't help it. before all this shit hit me, I was doing okay, but in the last few days I have just been really down. The only time that I don't think about it, is when I am at the school, and that is because I do not have time, because I am taking care of i don't know how many 3 yr olds on the bus.
Anyways, I am sorry once again, I am sorry for this being so long and to anyone who may become hurt by what I have said in here.
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WoW!! im soo sorry u are in such pain! i didnt know u hurt urself, dnt be sorry about not being fully honest....its hard i get it....please dont leave, ur right for thinking about ur daughter but think about u, this pain will pass and so u want to be here for that right?
im glad u went to ur doctor tho...hugssss
love
xoxSteph
Itzjustme
thanks hun..... I am sorry that I have not been there for you. I really don't give a damn about myself. I only care about my daughter. I do not want to be here at all if it weren't for her.
crzychik
its ok dont apologize i havent been there for u either....i know wat u mean if it wasnt for all the people i dont wanna leave behnd i wud have been out already...maybe nxt summer i can visit u.
i rly wish i cud be of much help..im useless
Itzjustme
oh my friend....do you realize that we suffer from a mental illness and its easy to give advice but fall through doing ourselves.........i love you. not one of us are perfect hun no one..i love you..
you know i just got out of the hospital from my attempt and trust me mine wasn't a biullshit try.....i want to die,,but i am greatful now thta i made it throuhg it..please don't do this ...
if i had suceeded i wouldn't be here to hold your hand..i love you
carolina320
I am so glad that you didn't succeed hun. I love you too. Faith is the only reason why i keep going. I am so glad that you are okay now.
crzychik
Well, I am new here. I attempted suicide once, because I wanted to be with my father, my sister, my favorite aunt and my grandmothers. I have a mother that doesn't give a crap about me, she is mentally ill.
Here is one thing I have noticed, if I don't take my medication or I am not on the right medication I feel suicidal. These things are hereditary, which makes me think something is going on in your family. Obviously, my mother's genes didn't help.
I finally because of a move changed doctors and got on the right track. Before I was going to an expensive private psychiatrist, who didn't help me. I even asked for more medication.
I think you can live a better life, you just have to get the right treatment.
esther09
I'm glad you went and talked with your doctor. I know how you feel about being a hypocrite when it comes to giving advice. I feel the same. I tell people to do things that I know I will probably never have the courage to do myself. I don't think you need to apologize for being honest because that's what your friends always want to hear, honesty. I really hope things start getting better for you. HUGS
Friend19
I realize you don't know me but, I am known as Oldbiker here on DS. I have been here 2 years. Read my profile and my 2 journal entries dated Nov 27, 2008 and Jan 3 2009. These will help you see where I have been, what I have endured, and where I am today.
I have had 2 classmates commit suicide and my neighbor. I realize there has to be some terrible emotional pain for someone to want to do this. To me, life is precious. My 37 year old son was killed 4 years ago July in a car wreck. The void he left behind will never be filled in my life.
We all make mistakes in life, we all feel as though we are failures. I have been a minister for 34 years and I feel I still fail the Lord and those that look up to me as their spiritual leader.
We are all human and humans make mistakes in this life.
You have a beautiful little daughter that depends on you and who loves you and to leave her by suicide would leave a scar on her heart the rest of her life. This is the hurt you feel when you think of your brother and sister who took their lives. God has a plan for us in life, even though we don't see it when we are young. I didn't get my life straightened out till I trusted Christ as my Saviour and I was 28 years old, an alcoholic, drug user and a Biker. He changed me and made something beautiful out of my life. I reach out to others who a lot of preachers shy away from. I have a genuine love for people, just like they are. I am not here to preach to you. I am not that type of preacher. I just want you to know that there are those who love you here on DS and I know God loves you too. I am here if you have questions or if you want to just share or vent.
Jesus loves you and I will show my love for you as a fellow human being, if you will allow me that chance. I will never judge you, never put you down or ever abandon you.
OLDBIKER
I just to let you know I am always here for you. You know where to find me. I'm sorry you are going through so much and feeling this way. You are not alone. I care greatly about you and you mean the world to me.If you need to you can always talk to me.
thinkpositively
Sending positive vibes your way and hoping that you will fight your way out of this. Much love and hugs.
browneyedgrl
wow, all I can reallysay is, and I know this sounds kinda religious..but I believe you are still here, God has a purpose for yu, and so yu continue to fight and live and struggle, and have ppl who love and support yu, but I will never understand about suicide, evidently yur siblings had no idea how much this would hurt yu..I know they are looking down from heaven and are yur guardian angels huni. xx
SuyB
you're not betraying anyone. I know that I do similar things, give advice I myself am not able to take. Please don't give up. Please. Your daughter is a great reason to keep living. I won't pretend to know what it's like to have lost a sibling, but I'm sure they are looking down on you and so proud of you for all you have accomplished. Please, hang in there.
vegan1978
Hey girl, don't worry about not being completely honest. Just shows how much you care. Have you heard the phrase, "Fake it until you make it" Please hold on to your lifeline. Noel was mine while she was growing up. And now, I have Za and Leila. Sometime we just have to grabl what we have and hold on tight.
ZAZAS