Amy E's Journal

Struggling a bit right now. I continue to have so much guilt about my father. He called my house before Christmas. He sent gifts to my kids again. But, in June he didn't acknowledge me when I was sitting right behind him at my niece's graduation. My counselor and psychiatrist advise me to end it with him all together. There are times when that's what I want to do. Then there are times, a second later, that I feel guilty about that thought and what if he still loves me as a daughter. What if he does, and I shut him out, and he dies. There is still that part of me that wants a father. I laid awake last night trying to construct a phone conversation in my head with him. If I called him, what would I say. Well, when he called my house, he asked for my sister, so he may not have meant to call me. I don't know. He would often calls me by her name. Each time I rehearsed that call, I get angry and that's all that would come through on the phone. He called me after he ignored me in June. He left a message on my machine, so I wrote him a note asking him to write to me instead. He never did. If he really wanted to say something to me, then I think he would get the message that I'm not going to answer his calls, or call him back. I think that's the power struggle between us. He would say that HE'S the father, and I should do what he says. And in the back of my mind, I know that his health isn't very good, and he could drop dead any day. No wonder, I don't sleep very well, bouncing this shit around in my head all of the time.