Amy E's Journal

I met with the rector at the church I am thinking about switching to. I've met him a few times just attending church there some last summer. He seems very kind. I get very anxious in unfamiliar places and with people I don't know. I thought it was pretty amazing that when he encouraged me to call and meet with him after church one Sunday, I actually wanted to. So, I did today. He was open and told me a lot about himself. It turned into to much more than I anticipated. We talked for two hours. He has a background in counseling, so I'm sure he sensed my anxiety. He really wanted  to know my whole story. I shared as much as I could with him, but not the most difficult things. I talked about having depression and anxiety. He was understanding and easy to talk to. When I left, I drove around for two hours, mulling over the talk we had. He asked me if I am happy. I'm not. And I don't know how to change that. It's a little frightening to tell someone so much about myself. Not that he would divulge the trust, I don't question that. It's just frightening for someone to know so much of my background.

I plan to go to that church on Sunday with my kids. They are the last piece. If they are okay with the switch, then I think it's a go. The rector did ask me to meet with him again in a month or two. He asked 1 to 10 how much anxiety I had about meeting with him today. I said 5, but it would have been 10 if he had come to my house.

Now I'm completely exhausted. I thought a lot about my mom after I left the meeting with the rector. I didn't talk about her to him. That was the part I really couldn't share. When I met with the counselor on Monday, he said that he feels like I really miss my mom right now. That I would find great comfort from her if I could call her when I'm struggling. He's right. I don't hear her voice anymore. Can't put her in my days now, maybe it's been too long. I'm 42 now, I was 19 when she died. I am deeply sad about that.