Amy E's Journal

I seem to be unable to get out of this hole. Before summer started, I was doing better. Then, I start the summer with the crazy shit with my father and the rest of my family. I spent my whole time in Maine wishing I wasn't there. I'm trying to get past that. My h and I were doing much better. Then, it seems like all of the shit is hitting the fan right now. He wants us to cut back, while he does whatever he wants. Then asks me to go back to working as a PT, when he knows I can't do that because of my hands. Tonight he was supposed to take the kids to practice because I had to go to the back to school night. He doesn't come home when he's supposed to and tells me that he'll be late when he's already late. A friend was waiting for one of my sons, so that he could take him with him to practice. Not only was my h making my kids late, he was making this other guy wait for him. I know it's all because he's under a lot of stress with work, but making me feel like crap is not going to decrease his stress level - believe me.

I'm also struggling with what to do about the church that I attend. I'm thinking about switching to one that is much closer and smaller. That's a big deal to me. I don't have extended family, my mother died when I was 19, and my father was not a parent, so I have really needed church. I find myself really craving that guidance from someone I know and trust. Lately I've been missing that in my church, so have been attending this other church. The priest is so nice and seems very kind. It means switching my kids too, so that needs careful consideration. My h doesn't go with me, so it's all on me. That's okay. I just want to make the right choice. I guess if I switch and don't like it, I can always switch back. It is the place that I feel closest to my mom. She was the one with strong faith in our house. It's really the only place I feel her anymore. It's been way too long. She's been dead for almost 23 years.