Journal

   Today, just now, I joined the Dialysis Support Group.  Even though I am more fortunate than some of my fellow DPs in that I very rarely experience the drained and washed-out feeling so many of them seem to feel, I do feel like my body is letting me down one part at a time (above knee amputation 02/28/2007).  Dialysis is the last straw.  It's frustrating, time consuming, and a total crock.   It's just like standing on the brink of the pictured above waterfall, knowing da-- well I can't swim, and being washed away.  Seemingly, I have lost total control of me.  Maybe I said this in an earlier entry, BUT I want my life back.  Am I angry at the hand I've been dealt??  YA' THINK?

Besides myself, I probably have let many people down, but, I offer no excuses to them or to myself.  It is what it is...it was what it was...it will be what it will be...LIFE!  If this seems cryptic...OH WELL...perhaps I'm in a different phase of "arrested development" than the majority of the people who have challenges.  I don't say this to be cruel but only to try, once more, to understand who I have become, for I don't feel as if I am the person that I could or should be.  

After almost a year on dialysis, the scope of my life has "plummeted" to another (What is the word to describe it?)...realm???  Anyyyyyyywayyyyyyyyy, there doesn't seem to be focus on anything BUT doing what it takes in order to maintain my "health"...what an anathema...Do I sound bitter?  Maybe I do because I thought that amputation was the ultimate life-changing, life-destroying occurrence!  Am I angry?  You bet that I am!  I feel as if I am right back to square one.

How the Sugar Honey Ice Tea do I get myself back on track...assuming that I had ever gotten back on track in the first place.  Right now, I feel so overwhelmed and so vulnerable.  I want to be that confident and independent person that I used to be.

Today, my birthday, I reflect on the happenings over the past few years, and I realize that in spite of all the negative things that have occurred, I AM TRULY BLESSED.  Notice my avatar...she is 1/16th of my familial blessing, for I have 8 grandchildren, 3 great grandchildren, 4 daughters, and 1 lovingly supportive husband.  That's 16 people  GOD has put in my  life to help cover the lapses and physical shortcomings now present within me.  They accept me as I am, and most importantly, they treat me like a "normal" person. There are friends in my life...wonderful people who still invite me out to lunch and happily come and get me, neighbors who call and come by, who help me over the rough spots in the street when I'm wheeling through the neighborhood for a visit or just for exercise, who help me up steep driveways, and who offer to take me places even though I still drive.  Again I say, my wealth is not $$$, but the bevy of loving individuals in my life who afford me with so many opportunities to live life to its fullest.

Much of the time I live from day to day because I've been so close to death several times in the last two years.  Therefore, each day is a blessing for me.  I was blessed to see another Thanksgiving and another Christmas.  Today, I am blessed to see my 61st birthday.  My life is not what it used to be, but all in all my life is good.  My aim is to live without wishing for what-could-have-been, but to live being happy with what is.  Some days I do very well with that aim; some days I don't  .  Anyhow, I am a survivor, and I WILL have a great  life...with HIS help. 

The greatest blessing is that my belief in a higher power who I choose to call GOD remains intact. Being able to rise each morning to a brand new day to appreciate the many people and things that surround me is another blessing.  HE has even blessed me with the ability to "bounce back" from the times (no matter how long) that I am pensive and depressed  about how I am now.  Regardless of how long it takes--

"JOY COMETH WITH THE MORNING LIGHT!"

Happy 61st Birthday to ME!!!!!