79pounds's Journal

crab dip, 3 dips 100  with 3 crackers 100; 1 oatmeal marshmello thing 150, black coffee, diet soda, 1 chicken thigh broiled 120, 3 eggs 150, 1 roll with margerine 180,

and around 12:00 a.m. 1/2 cup pasta with red sauce 200 and 1/2 chicken thigh with red sauce 100, orange jello with whipped cream  20.  1020 total, not too bad.  about typical for me.

what did me in today?  the roll.  i shouldn't have eaten it.  it was my indulgent thing.  its so funny.  i had to LEARN to BE indulgent in the 1990's as before that except for family gatherings, (and even then sometimes) i ate very disaplined from being around so much of that my whole life.  and rules like no going in the refrigerator after 6:00 p.m. and no going in the cupboards at all, eventually it was just the lower cupboard or lower shelf (i actually remember this) and then my own shelf and own things hidden wherever...really out of hand, but a lot of us had that growing up.  and then working and eating out and having boyfriends in addition to friends and eating out and having your own place ... all the stages ... you see people who eat as though they are still 9 years old and growing, and its repulsive.  plus all the ballet, model, actor and even some of the musician people and all their disapline, you hear their talk and it stays with you because you are so young.  when i danced ballet as a kid, i thought people who didn't look like ballet dancers were grotesque.  there were them and us.  i didn't understand it...me and my friends went from ballet to cheerleading and it was the same kind of thing.  like where are your muscles and why can't you do cartwheels and handstands?  i didn't think of "them" (people who weren't cheerleaders) much at all...if at all, i thought about practicing gymnastics and cheers ALL the time.  but i secretly wondered occasionally WHY they didn't just take lessons and do it too.  laziness never occurred to me as something that was in anyway okay.  i felt that even models didn't look as good as ballerinas and by my teens that swimmers looked best of all (i still think that) then i became a competitive swimmer.  i think a good deal of my waking thoughts back then was of swimming, just as it had been with various sports before it.  when i discovered fat people in college, in school, in work and had a couple of fat friends though very few (my stepmother was anti fat people big time); one fat friend of a friend at camp, and one that was a penpal that i knew from going to resorts every summer.  that was it for fat.  two other friends of friends from school but they weren't around much because they never made it into the bigger areas because they were overweight.  shit!  that was my life.  in highschool it was even higher end so i won't go into that...it went on and on.  i remember even thinking by 1989, when is this going to stop?  they always say the thin and muscular etc is short lived.  not so.  i started wondering, what if i just eat like a normal person?  i am in college.  other people eat.  its an easy energy boost and teachers harrass you less when you are a little overweight and look kind of frumpy.  teachers love it if you wear ugly looking glasses.  a lot of people in college roll out of bed and into the classroom.  a lot of people wear like a frumpy "costume" to keep the teachers from creating extra stress at you.  there is a book on this called "Acing College".  but my husband back then, would have freaked if i gained a lot of weight and my friends wouldn't have appreciated it much either.  easy answer, new friends and as life went new husband.  i say this with irony.  but still life remained fairly normal, nothing out of control until i got back to florida and started partying/living with musicians i knew and making up for lost time living a serious college student/career life of the 1990's.  now i can't stop the spiral and i wonder is indulgence good at all?  its good in that its a quick fix and its not at all stressful and finding a balance in life is the whole thing health wise and psychologically.  finding what is good for your particular body.  except its full circle.  hot weather and swimming is what is best for my body.  still is.  i knew this 25 years ago!  and now breaking this hideous cycle of indulgence at all times.  can't believe so many spend a lifetime like that.  its sinful as well.  the sin of gluttony. but at least i understand it now.  how hard all physical things become when overweight, so it becomes a cycle of MORE weight gain, what love handles and tires and rashes are.  i never understood ANY of that.  being overweight was even fun, almost like a private club of the overweight and selfindulgent and lazy - atleast fitness-wise.  understanding fine, but it is soooo unhealthy to live this way and its going on for waaaay too long.  being overweight is a life of ease in many ways, but it will also kill you.