79pounds's Journal

b must have had a crappy halloween as he isn't talking to anyone in normal tones (or j is saying things to him, that he shouldn't again.  i hate when that happens and its always out of nowhere when he does that).  i didn't see b or a dress up even, which surprised me, but that could also be the "too cool to" kind of thing.  i'm just against halloween because it brings out evil in people, the killing animals and stuff...plus the sugar is terrible anyway.  its gotten very cold all of a sudden, and is supposed to go into the 50's tonight.  boy, do i hate cold weather.  i can feel the anxiety and beginning of panic in the pit of my stomach, but since i still seem to have a touch of a bug who knows, i may just be ill, still.

november is  big anniversary month...november 3, would have been 16 years with s, if we were still together in a real way.  he wants me to go over personal paperwork that my first husband left (they were best friends and s, who is also my second husband was the executor of my first hub's will).  i really don't want to look or see any of it even now, and every couple of years s reminds me that i really should look at it.  just call me the grand avoider of all time.  lol.  a lot of what i avoid in europe in general is because of my husband as well as my ex-boyfriend from college.  the bad stuff gets kind of screwed up in my head as to who rb meant when he'd try to explain the bad stuff, (generally rb meant himself) and when i hear the bad stuff, anything connected to rb that looks like rb or is a reminder of rb, creeps me out. 

i hate when there is bad attached to someone who is major in my life or life around me, i start blocking out like crazy because i just don't handle it.  i don't like reminders of anything bad or evil.  i don't think its healthy to live that way.  my way of "handling things" is to get out of dodge.  lol.  its like the survival thing kicks in big time, flight or fight.  and its like i choose flight, thank you.  i'm not good at remembering dates on things in general so why i chose november twice for wedding ceremonies is beyond me.  lol.  logically, i should choose the day after a holiday where advertisement becomes my reminder.  lol.  i asked s to marry me, not vice versa after my first husband died because too many people were asking me out and it felt safer to be married as a safety net for someone with a too busy social life and mine always was.  lol.  it was more like a business negotiation with s, lol., even the first one was in a way. 

with rb, he asked me the summer of the year i discovered i didn't want to be married at all because being single was soooo much fun.  rb had been the same way while in college and grad school and we had one of those promise things, if not married by blank year then we'll get married, so we were "unofficially engaged" for five years before we married and "technically" i did marry someone else during that time because back then i was a total romantic and falling in love all the time.  i was one of those.  lol. 

after rb's death, i felt my old friends acted like vultures.  they couldn't wait to start going out and being active again kind of thing, everyone was still in school back then and it was like nothing at all had changed, which amazed me, even though some had toddlers by then, were in grad school, were divorced....all the stuff.  rb's family was enraged that s and i were just going to go get married.  we had wanted summer because when i used to date s, we had thought about running off and marrying, but we were both too young.  fast forward a bunch of years and not too young, just too complicated.  we waited a bunch of months and then s called to remind me and i told him we should do that before mid-terms started.  what a way to schedule things.  he popped in what felt like two seconds later and we went downtown to marry.  it felt right though.  we didn't use contracts and things like i had with rb and s had just as much to "lose", if not more.  s and my aunt sue, put the reception together, not me.  i did the same thing with my first husband, mostly a choose what ever you want kind of thing as long as there's no meat, no onions, no red wine. 

some people are really into the lavish party thing and i am definitely more of the bash-casual let it grow and come together in its own way, kind of person.  lol.  i'll dress formal, and attend formal, but formal is definitely not a choice i would ever make for a party, though catered at the very least is always the way for me, otherwise its not fun because of all the stress.  lol.  i don't think at all, i just do things.  weddings in november and receptions on winter break from school.  i seemed to be big on parties/travel on winter breaks from school back then, but that is school and being that age "dictating" things its not really me deciding anything.  just noticing my own patterns lately.  s is right more often than he is wrong, and anything bad assoicated with him generally comes from outside sources, not him.  but he too, is an rb connection and it makes me wonder if i make things STAY distant on purpose because of his connection back to rb.

so i'm feeling a little maudlin and not quite sure if its the lovely reminders of how about we discuss rb's letters finally.  or its the cold or its me not feeling too great right now because of whatever bug i have, or the problem with kv and the money or having pms.  i'm not feeling sorry for myself just yet, just saying.  

sy was way more upset when i saw her.  it must be very hard when everyone around you is basically gone.  she has one niece left and sy is from my old neck of the woods in south florida, so i told her she can use me as an emergency contact.  though in a way she is better off than her boyfriend, he is not speaking to her because she put him in the hospital for the infection on his leg and now his daughters aren't letting him leave.  pretty scary because he doesn't like, nor trust his daughters.  they hate sy and since sy just had surgery, she isn't up to battling three young women.  good luck.  what a mess.  reminds me of rm who literally hides in his lovely home, over here, never answering his phone because he is afraid of people messing in his life while his wife is in the hospital.  and brt, one of my clients/friend who i was trying to reach because the value of his house went up, his back up is rm and i can't reach either one of them.  hope i atleast remember to try to stop by and see if all are okay.  foreboding i guess is how i feel right now.

fell asleep on the deck last night, which was GREAT.  miss sleeping outside.  the thing pumping SEWERAGE into the intracoastal was OFF for a change but that odor was still around mildly and i think that is what is affecting my lungs.  i hope its not doing damage, like chorine does if it gets in the air.  this morning it was on again though and its GROTESQUE!!!  k's livingroom looks FABULOUS with the big wool rug. he and tmy are the only people i know of that can take something and clean it up so that it looks and runs new when done.  glad it worked out.  he still has a missing animal out there as well and there are still two missing over by me (that i KNOW of).  i am still on the look out for that stupid red pickup.  i need the tag number to give to PETA and to the local colonies.  big left the deck today and went to the next street so i guess that means its not going to rain today.  hope everything gets adopted in the next ad or so, because i noticed it is affecting my anxiety and blood pressure a lot.