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2bsMom 
10:11am, September 19, 2009
Today is one of those 'It's great to be alive days' The sun, which couldn't be shining brighter, feels so good I want to drink it in. Nothing about today is really different. I'm realizing that I have this great appreciation for the absolutely mundane, that hot cup of coffee, the early news show, the crossword puzzle, my adorable but crazy dogs, and most of all my husband who after all these years is comforting and fun to be around. If you haven't guessed, I'm a mature woman whose been retired for the last couple of years, and basically a homebody. Maybe because I'm just getting over the flu and completely exhausted, but until experiencing this epiphany, I was feeling down in the dumps surrounded by a messy cluttered house and wondering how to get out of my doldrums. Suddenly, all the little things that have been bothering me seem so unimportant. Nothing seems too big a problem to tackle, while only yesterday I was totally overwhelmed. It occurred to me that just the state of being can feel good. Everything else is a bonus. Will I continue to feel this way? I hope so. But now I know that even when life seems really impossible, if I just let the dark clouds pass, the sun really will come out again. What's important to remember is that nothing monumental has to be going on for us to appreciate our existence. Just experiencing each and every moment and taking pleasure from wherever we can find it is actually more satisfying than the main events we often seek to make us happy. It's kind of a Zen thing and for many of us, needs to be cultivated. The old expression "wake up and smell the coffee" suddenly has real meaning.
I have learned, the hard way, that being a real friend to someone, whether it's a loving family member or someone you're just very close to, means simply just being there for him or her. Being there without advising or judging but rather just listening is truly key. Being there and just listening without expressing your own view is often just what is needed. It's giving someone the space to express their thoughts and feelings without their feeling shame or guilt. Advice, that is often unsolicited, is seldom what one is seeking when a need to talk or confide is expressed. Rather, he or she is looking for a sounding board, a vehicle for venting, for expressing a need, or conveying a problem. Often, you've been chosen because of the trust he or she has in you and your mutual caring relationship. It's both a compliment to you, but can also be a burden. If nothing more, you must not allow yourself to betray that trust. By merely allowing the other person to open their hearts or speak their mind, you are enabling that person to experience an emotional release. In this therapeutic climate, it is not about you, and restrain is of the utmost. This really is not a verbal interaction; you're just filling a need. An example of where giving advice can back fire is a situation where a friend confides in you of an emotional problem that he or she has been dealing with. You think to yourself that you have the answers and also that maybe some tough love is what's needed here. Your friend is caught up in the dialogue and relieved to be able to get this problem off his or her chest. The words of advice are just what they need, at the moment, and the supportive feedback is hitting the target. You leave the situation with an "I'm there for you anytime." "Stay strong." "I know you can do it." Your friend is relieved. Someone is really there for them and comforted that they can call on you for that the proverbial "shot in the arm" if necessary. You have truly bonded and are happy when the calls of distress come in. "Hang in there. You're doing great." Then one day the calls stop; your friend doesn't answer your emails, or return your messages. You might finally get through and much to your surprise, there is a coolness, in his or her voice; small talk is being made and no more personal information is being conveyed. What's going on here? What's going on is that your friend, being human, has erred; has not followed your advice and feels guilty and ashamed, not wanting to face you any more. Maybe, you were their only source for sharing personal information with, and he or she is feeling all alone and maybe even a little desperate. Your efforts have not only been wasted, you have lost this person who no longer wants to share. ; And, in all likelihood, would rather end the relationship. The scary thing is without you to lean on, who knows what the desperation will drive a person to. It could be even become dangerous in that you never know what someone is capable of when they're at the end of their rope. Even if advice is solicited, do not be tempted to engage in that type of interaction with someone, especially whose psyche is in a delicate state. Ask yourself am I doing this for them or for me. Often do-gooders need to play heroic roles to boost their own self esteem. The end result is you are often as let down as the person you were trying to help, when they can't live up to your expectations. If you are really concerned for someone’s well being don't take it upon yourself to intervene, but rather suggest that professional help is sought. Be there and listen, really just listen.
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It's hard to stay focused on our goals when random thoughts and images pop in and out of our minds causing unproductive and, at times, dangerous distraction. Beyond that, it's almost impossible to fall asleep when our thought take over at night. It's as if we have no control of our thought processes and as a captive audience to the misery they provoke we become victims of our own minds. Surprisingly, it doesn't have to be that way.
How then to stop painful thoughts from creeping into your head? First of all, your thoughts are an action that you actually have control over. You can can choose to think about whatever it is that you wish to occupy your mind with. Unlike dreaming, where scenes pop in and out uncontrollably, thoughts though seemingly random, can be controlled with some practice. The most disturbing thoughts and images can be, if not prevented entirely, snuffed out almost as immediately as they occur.
A little trick I use, I call the bug, bubble, seed technique. What I have found is that any thought or image can be categorized into one of these three images.
First, the bug category I use for any thought that makes me cringe. It can be of a person, an event, or activity that I absolutely cannot bear to think about, deal with, or lose sleep over. These awful thought provoking images, I see as big ugly bugs to be exterminated. This enables my ability to dismiss the thought immediately, and is the easiest of all unwelcome thoughts to rid oneself of.
Next, the bubble. I use this for any scenario that might create a state of sadness, or reflecting on it might cause the shifting away from the present. Any thought that fits into this category has the power to impair our ability to function or think clearly. The bubble may hold precious moments and even memories of loved ones, but can still cause an adverse effect if it floats into our minds at inappropriate times. To deal with the bubble, I acknowledge it's presence as it drifts into my mind, allowing it to float away to return at a time of my own choosing.
Lastly, the seed. A positive thought that energizes, motivates and enable creative thinking. The seed also allows us to go outside of ourselves and reach out to others. Depending upon the moment that you're in, the seed can be stored for planting at a future time, or immediately cultivated when the moment is right. The seed often represents a welcomed image that can reverse a creative block or be the resolution to a long standing problem.
Using these three categories for dealing with random thoughts, you can be totally in control, stay focused on the task at hand, and experience inner peace or meditative relaxation.
Feedback is welcome
Comments
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Very good message.Will put into practice!
Past Entries
| August 2009 |
Wednesday, 8/19
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Wow, that is a strong message. I have to say, when someone asks me for advice or starts talking to me about something I ask first, "Are you wanting my suggestion or advice?" and if they come back and say yes, I will always be the first to give them my input. If they say no, then I will shut my mouth, especially if it's a friend. Usually they want it, why else would they call or come over and vent? When my daughter starts talking about 'whatever', I always ask her if she wants my advice. Sometimes I'll get no, but usually yes, and if she does not agree with me, or my friend does not either, and it backfires on them, I will be the last to say, "I told you so." If it gets them in a bad situation, I will just let them know I'm there if they EVER want to talk...in person, via email, or phone. The ones that stop calling or writing are probably the ones that do not want any help and it's sure not your fault, it's theirs. Just listening is great, but why do they tell you or convey in you? I think they want your input, your feelings. I guess in the end, you can only do your best w/certain people. period...Dee
Dee1212