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charliecarrie 
7:56pm, October 30, 2009
as wished for i was snowed into today but hoping i can go to work tommorow otherwise my work will pile up. Not had any gritters up here tonight so not sure i will be able to go in.
woke up in loads of pain and took me all day to raise the energy to wash up so glad i was off. feeling really lonely at the moment, nothing to look forward too and no energy to plan anything. need a night out or a day out but no energy need to spend my weekends resting in hope i will get over this crash period and the pain it is causing. hate the hopeless feeling this illness causes. i know as jen says things will get better but not knowing when or how long that will be is hard.
With regards to Nick he is doing this on purpose cause he wants to destroy me ive learnt thats the kind or person he is. I dont understand how we were together for 7 years. Im not saying im perfect I know i can be dificult or that i wasnt to blame for some of the breakdown in our marriage but i know im a good person but even when someone has hurt me i have no desire to destroy them or cause them pain. I think you have to really hate someone to do that and nothing in my life has caused me that hatred. In a way i feel sorry for him, hate is a wasted emotion unless it is for a really good reson and a marriage breakdown is not a really good reason. I dont think he was in love with me so its not like i broke his heart. However this is a man who hasnt spoken to his brother in 10 years when he called his dad and his bro answered he would call him stuff like w-----r and hang up, i always told him theres no reason not to be civil but thats the person he is.
I know things will get better but for now im stuck feeling hopeless.
Comments
I understand how you are feeling, especially with the hopelessness of the illness and all that it takes away from us, Vic.
Often times, even though I know I will get better....when I'm in a bad crash lasting over a week, I still cry about it. I KNOW I will pull out, but it just seems like wasted time! Really. It's such a difficult thing to describe to other people who are busily carrying on with life and have no clue how exhausted on hopeless WE feel. Nor do they care. Which was Nicks problem.
Try to move past the hate Vic. Like you said, it's wasted time and emotion. Use what energy you have to move forward. It sounds trite right now, but you will get your legs back on and you WILL move forward without him. Just wait and see!!
Now hang in there. I'm praying for you!
DarlaC