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Mel1509 
Started Sunday night. Babysat for a friend and on my way home stopped at a garage and bought a big bag of Doritos and cheese and chive dip. At all the chips and most of the dip when I got home while watching an Ally McBeal DVD. Didn't make me feel any better. I do sometimes struggle when I'm on leave from work as maybe i associate the food as a treat because I'm "on holiday". Had a duvet day on Monday. Finished off the dip with more Doritos and ate a load of bread. Had a cracking headache and felt shattered. Went to mum's for tea and had curry. We also had some sweets and chocolate, but I didn't go to the shop on my way home. Whatever else I may or may not eat this week there will be NO BEN AND JERRYS AND NO HARIBO SOURMIX. These two foodstuffs will guarantee my slide back into planned binges and this is not a place I want to be in again. Been so good for around six weeks and felt so much better
Feel so fat at the moment. I'm also pre-menstrual so am feeling so down and paranoid, seem to be having a particularly bad bowt this month! I'm going on holiday in May and to see REM, my fave band in August so I have these reasons not to binge and be a fat b*****d. I feel quite lonely at the moment and thoughts keep returning to ex-boyfriends, then I think , "hey Mel don't let thoughts of those guys make you overeat. Be better than that and exercise and eat right incase you ever see them, you wanna look hot right?, show then what their missing?". That thought stops me most times...until next time
Been bingeing all week. Monday was going to be a turning point but sat in my office in the afternoon the usual thoughts of Haribo Sourmix came into my head. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday no better. I didn't even go to my exercise class because I wanted to stay home and eat. It just makes me feel revolting and I can't get up in the morning as I'm exhausted as my body has been digesting all night. None of this will bring back my ex boyfriend who I am pining for all the time and if I carry on gaining weight it will not help me find someone else. I probably don't look like I have a problem as I'm tall and if I put on a few pounds can carry it and usually I stop long enough to get back in shape again. Went out for a meal with friends last night and when out started came I couldnt stop picking it was so good, Mexican dips with tortillas, spicy sweet potato wedges and onion rings. By the time the main course can I couldn't eat anymore it was a huge plateful and very overfacing. I don't like appearing to be a big eater infront of others. Planned to stay in tonight and have a twelve inch pizza and nine inch garlic bread all to myself followed by a tub of Ben and Jerry's Cookie Dough. It's not good, it's Saturday night and I know I have to stop but when I wake up tomorrow morning I know I will feel so down that it will be a struggle not to do it all over again.
Comments
Past Entries
| September 2007 |
Saturday, 9/29
|
hey Mel - i can relate to alot of what you say in this entry. i know i am in bad shape when i don't do something i've planned because all i want to do is run home as fast as i can and eat the house bare. like you, and a lot of others i think, i eat normally in public.
another thing i do similar to you is what i call 'managing' my disorder. i can usually stop before i get too heavy. i get back on track - eating properly and going to the gym. but ... it seems i no sooner get feeling and looking a lot better and i start binging again. it's like i have this limit to how bad i will let it get, but i also limit how good i will let myself feel. and like you i am fairly tall and can carry the extra weight. i have also become a master at what to wear during my heavier times to mask the weight a bit.
lastly i too have a hard time stopping if i wake in the morning feeling really crappy. if i already feel bad, i'm immediately discouraged and shameful and choose to do things that will make me feel worse not better.
maybe things are going better, i hope so .... but if not, i hope you can be kind and gentle with yourself tonight so you can wake feeling just a little bit better, and maybe feel more motivated to take care of yourself.
Sooo
relate completely to this. thanks for sharing x all the best
bluevibe