sassybp's Journal

It's been a good day. I went to see my therapist and she says I need to work on my guilt. I feel way to much guilt for things I haven't done or had no control over. Which is true. I already know this, I just don't know how to fix it. So she tells me what Am'I getting out of taking on guilt. I just sat there. I never thought about what I got out of it. I know it started from childhood when my Dad would beat me and basically say it was my fault. He would go on for hours.

Being an adult now. I see he was trying to convince himself that he wasn't guilty for the black eye, scratches or bruises he left. I feel terrible guilt for watching him beat on my sister's and not being able to stop him. I remember watching him hurt my sister when she was 3. He pulled her arm out of it's socket by shaking her and then shut her in the bedroom. Well she kept crying. I wasn't allowed to go in. So I slowly walked downstairs and told him she was still crying. He stomped upstairs and opened the door. She was laying on the floor holding her arm. I didn't really get see, but he popped it back in and she screamed, and I wet my pants I was so scared. He left her and I changed and then tried to make her feel better. My Mom worked nights so she wasn't there. Even when she was there she did nothing to stop him. 

 I think I do it because I'am always afraid that I said or did the wrong thing. I get so nervous about losing a friend or messing up a new aquaintance I get sick to my stomach and constantly say sorry for stupid stuff. It's just automatic now. But I think it explains why people I meet alot of times will avoid me. Which makes me feel terrible and even more guilt.

Seriously though, what is the purpose of feeling guilt for something you didn't do? Do I do it for attention, fear, manipulation, to protect other's from the truth...I'm really not sure.

So my new assignment is to try and catch myself whenever I feel guilty or say sorry for something I didn't do. I need to stop letting people walk over me. Especially my family. I got a couple of sharp remarks this last week from family members that really had nothing to do with me. I know jabbing at me is there way of venting, but it's not right and I need to catch them on it and tell them. But 95% of the time it just float's by because it has become automatic to me. Then there are things I just have to let go because it's pointless to argue.

So anyway that is where I'am at.

If anyone has some useful advice or help I could seriously use it!

Hugs!

Jolene