sassybp's Journal

Things have been good. I can feel a real difference in my stability. So I guess that confirms I need meds. But if I can stay at the 200mgs I won't be as loopy. So I hope he keeps me on this dose for a while. I'am actually going to find a new Pdoc. I just don't feel that he is really listening to me when I try to explain how I feel. He just nods his head and does whatever I ask. Hello! Who went to school for 7 to 8yrs to help people with mental illness. Not me!

I didn't write about this before. But I also had a problem with the office. I called to talk to my Pdoc and explained it was an emergency. They said he took the rest of the week off. I said I'am suicidal. I need help. I want to be evaluated. The receptionists tells me we don't have any openings for evaluations until December. I was not in a good frame of mind at this time. So I say that's it. You won't help me. She says I can try to get you in on a cancellation. I'm thinking, "are you listening to me lady." All she says is a pathetic "sorry" and I say "If you hear about a woman in Roy who killed herself you'll know who it is and hung up.  I made it somehow on my own. My thoughts attacting me all day. It was a relief when my husband came home. Now that he is supervisor he is not always able to just come home. I try not to hold that against him because it's not his fault. He did call me alot though.

But 3 days later I saw my therapist and told her. She was furious. She asked, "they didn't call the cops"? They didn't call you back or have an emergency doctor on hand? I was shocked because it never occured to me that they could call the cops. Nor did it occur to me to even think to ask about an emergency doc. I have never called a Pdoc office and said I'am suicidal. I always try to hide it because I DON'T want to go to the hospital.

So I'am still here and feeling pretty happy for the most part. I'am trying not to over-analyze or be to pessimistic about things. I see my therapist on Thurs. I wish I could go more often but my insurance won't cover it.

So anyway, I exercised today and I'am very sore. I used to be able to do the full splits to the ground. I'am about an inch away. But what a painful inch it is. I could do Chinese splits at one time also, but I don't thing that is going to happen again.

A man who can do the splits must tie his balls up because I don't see how they couldn't smash them. It's insane to watch!

Goodnight,

Jolene