sassybp's Journal

Borderline Personality Disorder. Where do I even start? I was diagnosed 7yrs ago and read a book that the doc recommended called "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me." At the time I thought this isn't me at all...what a bunch of shit.  Well I about 3 months ago I began feeling like I was at a crossroads and it has only gotten worse. For some reason I thought maybe my meds are no longer working and tried to go off of the Lamictal.

The flood gates opened! It's been about 6 weeks and needless to say I'am going back on it. But there were things I noticed everytime I have a breakdown or brief psychosis. I follow a predictable pattern of how I react emotionally to things. I'am almost incapable of putting things in a logical prospective when faced with change, triggers, stress. Sometimes I can disconnect and deal with it later or not at all (blocked memories). Other times I become so obessesed with something I'am on auto-pilot. It is hard to follow conversation or even function. It's almost like having a constant static in my head and I have to listen carefully to get everything a person says. Whether it be in person, on the tv, or the radio. I can obsess over something for months. It makes my husband crazy. I also noticed that I for some reason need alot of reassurance and comforting. When I'am like this it is excruciating to be alone. The pain inside can be unbearable. Just having someone say good-bye on the phone can make me cry. Like they are turning me away. When I'am in a depression it can hurt so bad I would rather be dead. I have guilted my husband into staying home many times because of this. I don't mean to do it intentionally it's just soooo hard to let go. I will feel fear and panic until he steps through that door again.

Then there are times that I can't be touched. My skin literally crawls and I feel anger. I become very mean and cold. I feel nothing inside but coldness. This sounds horrible. But it is hard to even hug my kids.

So when I brought all of this up to my therapist, she says "I already knew about it. I just didn't want to bring it up while you were under stress because it can trigger even more problems."  I felt a huge amount of relief and confusion. What is everyone else seeing that I'm not?

She said that she wants to see me once a week to help me learn how to deal with my emotions. I'm thinking to myself, I cry when I'm sad, I laugh when I'm happy, and I scream when I'm mad. I'm confused? Doesn't everyone react the same with their emotions. I know the suicidal stuff is wrong and the cutting, which I stopped 10 months ago. I truly do not understand what she means by "correctly." So anyway, I feel that I'am facing a huge frightening wall. I see no way around it or through it. I could write so much more, but I will continue to write about it in my journals later. I will try anyway. I think it is important to keep track of.

Jolene