kristycluelesss's Journal

So I dunno what's up with Kevin. He wrote himself a comment on his own myspace page, which is cute cuz he's so not up on technology and that just sorta ...proved it. I think it's adorable, but that's cuz I'm totally stupid for him. Anyway, so in his comment to himself he said something to the effect of "stressing out the woman he was with recently" and "she is real and rare" and how he doesn't wanna stress this girl out, so that's why he ends up with psycho chicks cuz he doesn't freak them out. I wonder if he's talking about me, or if he's talking about someone else. For the most part, he doesn't freak me out. I think he thinks he does though and always has thought this. To some extent, he'd be correct. He does freak me out. It's not his addiction, or his crazy ex-(current?)wife, or even so much that we haven't had sex yet, though that part is ... at the very least frustrating ... heh. The ex can be worked around, and it's an area I know something about anyway, so that part I get. The sex ... oh I'm SO down to fix that. And the addiction? Please. I have every confidence in him that he can do not only that, but anything he wants. I mean, I seem to think he hung the moon, in fact. What freaks me out about him is how easily I connected with him, and how easily he slid right into all the corners of me. And how easily he can be missed when he's not around. I always wanted to find someone like that, and had kind of started to think that was something I'd ever only imagine and then ... literally, there he was in my bedroom doorway. I remember thinking in those first few days that this couldn't possibly be real; that instant - whatever it was between us - had to have been staged or maybe my mind had really split and this was all in my head, or *something*, but no it was real. He's real. That's the part that freaks me out. The idea that this person somehow leapt from my imagination to real life and there is a very solid possibility that he could be around for ... he could really ...It still freaks me out.

In the same comment he says something about not being sure if you can ever really be yourself, which seems odd cuz I can't imagine him being anything less. I certainly wouldnt want him to be anything less than himself around me, or to ever feel like he has to cover anything up. When I sign on to a person I accept the fine print and know that it's not all picnics and walks in the park. It makes me wonder though, if he does feel like that, is it because of something I said or did? Or is it because there are things about himself he wants to cover up or change? This is something Nana and I were just talking about yesterday actually, though not in regard to him. She was saying something about how she could see how others would aspire to be like me, which is something I can't really picture; and the reason being that if there's something in you that's unsatisfactory then you change it. Sometimes it's hard; and it sucks, especially when you have to admit to and accept that mistakes - sometimes major mistakes - were made because of your past actions (or lack thereof),  but if the end result is worth the effort, then you make that switch. Otherwise, what's the point? To me, that seems so black and white, but I do see the grey areas. I do realize that alot of emotional hurt comes from that part where you gotta own up to your bullshit and realize it for what it is, but that's the part no one ever seems to get, I guess. It is what it is until it becomes what it was. There's no hope for changing the past, but there's none in wallowing in it either. If you're not trying to move forward in some kind of way, then what's the point in moving at all?

Sorry, got kind of side-twacked for a moment there... Anyway, at the end of this comment, he says probably the most confusing part, I guess. He says "FUCK ALL THIS SHIT,do what you are going to do.go ahead fall in love.im on your side.wish it would happen to me." and I'm lost. This girl, be it me or whoever, seemed so important a minute ago, but now he's not falling in love with her anymore? I thought she was so real and rare? So, what then? He's on her side, but he's not falling in love and ... I dont know. I think I'm looking too much into it maybe. Actually I'm pretty sure I am, considering I have a feeling it wasn't even originally written by him, but perhaps maybe by Henry Rollins in a book I got for him recently. He seems to enjoy that ... finding quotes in books or songs or wherever that have alot of meaning to him and writing them wherever he can. I do that too, so I understand it. Sometimes certain parts dont fit, but they're a part of the quote that you just can't tear apart. Maybe that's it. Maybe. Even still, even if it is a Rollins quote, there's something relevant enough to make him write it out in the firt place. The part that sticks to me is the part where he says he feel like he's stressful to this real and rare woman. That's honestly the part that makes me wonder if he's talking about me at all, and if so, where would he come to this idea that he's stressin' me out? There are only two explanations I can think of. The first being if a conversation between myself and another friend of ours was butchered and presented in a way it was not intended by any means. I dont know though - maybe? The other being maybe he found this journal finally and read it. I dunno again. I'd hate to think that was the case considering ... this journal feels so private to me, even though it's for public consumption. I dont really know anyone here so I can say whatever about whoever whenever and I dont feel like I have to watch what I say, but can still get feedback and advice when I need it. And I dont worry about leaving it somewhere and someone I know opening it up and reading something they shouldn't. However, it's still possible and it's something I've tried not to consider while writing up this entry. While it's true I'll honestly answer any question you have for me and probably volunteer shit you didn't want to know, I do understand that not all frustrations with those around you have to be voiced out loud. I'm just the type that needs to get it out ... so out it comes - here.

Oh man, I've got so many thoughts compiling on just this one thought and they're flowing and spilling all over the place and going in directions I'm too tired to expell upon now. And honestly,  I know this sounds weird, but I'd rather just believe that my words were twisted by someone I thought was cooler than that rather than have to think another journal bites the dust. Seems stupid, doesn't it? Maybe that's just the lack of sleep talking. I guess it would depend on who the friend was, which - oh man - opens up even more thoughts, which I keep picturing as spaghetti noodles.

Whatever. The point is this - Kevin wrote something sketchy on his myspace and I'm sketched over it. And it's been 7 days now since I've heard from him. 7 days. I hate to think he's got the wrong idea about my feelings towards him,and if that's not the case - if it's about someone other than me, then that means I'm wishfully thinking of myself as being more important to him than I really am, which I guess is entirely possible. Whichever way this cookie crumbles, if it does at all, I'd like to at least know that much. I'd like to at least know if I'm still gonna be "the girl in the picture", or ... whatever.

OMG. I need to stop thinking about it. It's eating a hole in my head ... or, well, like ... a bigger hole in my head.

PS - I dont know exactly what the ideal ending to this whole sketchy story would be, but I know I'd like for it to end somewhere with his penis and my vaigna becoming very well acquainted. Yep. That makes me smile.