Lobo1970's Journal

The wife and I had another argument tonight.  Today seemed to start out great, except for my football team loosing.  We went out to find her a new car.  Her current vehicle is old and is costing more in repairs than it is worth.  She found her perfect car at the dealership but the interest and monthly payment was much more than we could afford at this time.  I felt bad - In the past I have had great credit and always got a low interest rate; but, today, after checking with two lenders 7.5% was the cheapest and the payments were more than we could afford on one paycheck.  She says she understood and was frustrated that I couldn't get a lower interest.  After the dealership, we went to the mall to buy us both a new watch, nothing expensive, but we both needed one so we picked one up.  We also got new sunglasses and a book.  We got home and ate dinner.  Everything was still going good.  Later in the evening there was a movie on I found interesting.  She saw it and wasn't really interested in it.  She then tells me, "You can watch it if I can play my game online."  I got defensive and angered and told her: "Don't threaten me!"   This is the game that is causing me so much angst about all the time she spends on it and the fact there is a chat and IM session on it.  Things ballooned from there.  I tried to explain my feelings to her about the game and it turned into a "that's a double standard" and "why am I not allowed to do what I want to do!"  All I was trying to do is explain my reasons for not liking the time spent playing the game.  We had previously set up some boundaries "No game playing after 8."  She rationalizing her want to play the game based upon the fact that she only play it for one hour today and since it was the weekend the rule really shouldn't apply.  From here it continued downhill. 

All I want to do is share my feelings about it with her and I get blasted everytime.  My past dealings in this arena were crap to say the least.  I would always fuss at her and not really explain how I feel.  The conversation turned into more of what I was doing wrong as a Husband:

I set a double standard

I don't appreciate and respect her enough

I don't listen

I don't let her be herself.

As I started thinking about it, she was right to some extent.  I'm trying to stop myself from implying a double standard.  I agree we both should abide by the same rules.  I do appreciate and respect her but do a crappy job of showing it - something I REALLY need to work on.  I try to listen to her, but stereo-type her conversations a being some trivial fact or story (she's always reading me stuff she finds online and talking about people I don't know, but she thinks I should).  As for not letting her be herself -- -- this is a BIG problem -- -- I'm afraid that if I let her be herself we will grow apart.  (As if that has not already been happening).  I fell that some of the behavior she exhibits is not that of a 33 year old but of a teenager.  I don't know why she is acting like this -- she tells me it is because she never really had a good adolescent childhood - always being picked on, parents putting her in a hospital when she got depressed, her brother getting everything (cars) and she getting nothing, her father's disappointment when she got pregnant and not married, etc.  Some of the things she has done over the past 4-5 months is got a tatoo (her second, she wants another), cartilage piercing, wanting to have a 3-some with me and another girl, having a crush on an actor she saw in a movie and (IMO) going overboard (50+ pictures of him on her computer) - the crush has tapered off lately. 

What do I have to do to not be so controlling?  Why is it that I find what she considers as "being herself" is too wild for someone her age?  I mean I'm a Democrat for goodness sakes, not a flaming liberal but a moderate.  I didn't think her behavior would affect me like it has.  I don't know.  I've ranted enough and I'm sure there is a lot that wasn't said in this entry.  There is also a lot of history (hers and mine) that is too detailed to go into that makes us react in certain ways. 

Well, I feel much better, now that I've ranted.  Until next time, take care of yourself.