paperdoll08's Journal

Hey everyone--or maybe just myself!

I haven't written in a very long time. Last I wrote, I was recently engaged, and about to make the move to the East coast, from the West coast. I made the trip, and am living on the East coast now! With my new husband-even! It's been a strange and fantastic journey. I've done a lot of growing. Things I never thought I could do before, I've done. And with flying colors!  But, there is a reason for my renewed interest in keeping my journal and posting on Dailystrength.  I'm really struggling again. Not so much with restriction, but with overeating, and "purging" via laxative abuse. I'm not naive enough to think, "oh crap, poor me, what the hell is wrong with me? I have a wonderful husband and yet I still pull this crap...", because thats not the case. I realize how wonderful my life is. And I realize that a lot of my issues are stemming from old behaviors that were never fixed, even though the emotional fuel for them is mostly gone. 

I've done a lot of one on one therapy, before I left Utah. My therapist was the most amazing guy, and I did a lot of hard work in therapy, and I'm very proud of my successes. And I don't think all is lost. But I do realize that the reenforcement of weekly therapy was really important to me feeling renewed interest in my recovery on a weekly basis. I find myself in between a rock and a hard place, though. I'm no longer in crisis mode, and I'm medically stable. I understand I still have a lot of dangerous habits that I need to work on, but I'm no longer in a "critical state". I have a full time job that I'm very good at,and very engaged in. I have a successful marriage, and I feel that on the whole, I'm a less selfish person. But therein lies my problem. I function, yet I'm still very sick (I feel). I was hoping to find an eating disorders support group out here...like AA is to alcholics. Because it would be something that is free, or inexpensive. And money is tight as a newlywed!  I think mostly though, the group is a good option for me, because it would give me that weekly renew to want to recover--like I was getting from therapy in the past. And to be fair, I do still have a wonderful support group around me. My therapist from home agreed to do phone sessions when I needed them, and I feel like I could still make a lot of progress doing monthly sessions.

So,onto the reason why I'm back.  I feel its important for me to have an outlet that I can vent, and record my feelings. I probably won't post much in the forum, because they tend to be triggering for me. But, I do plan on updating my journal daily, especially in this transition time when I'm still looking for an eating disorder group that i "fit" into. 

So, if you're a friend from the past, please drop by, and if you happen upon my journal and my story resonates with you--please feel free to leave me messages.

Thanks in advance to anyone and everyones support--just knowing someone is reading is incredibly helpful.

**edited to add**

I re-read this and realized I sound completely calm and rational about my downslide...and mostly, I am. I realize this isn't the end of the road, but I don't want to leave this journal entry without my genuine, candid feelings of how concerned I am for myself. I know the laxative abuse is out of hand. And I know I'm destroying my body. On top of that, I've probably gained ten pounds in the last month, which isn't healthy for anyone! And especially not for me, my frame is small..and I feel every pound! I know how I'm acting, in regards to my binge behavior is out of hand as well. It changes me into someone I'm not. A hermit, a grump, a pessimist. So, with that said, I hope you hear my genuine cries for suggestions, help, and encouragement. Thank you all!