paperdoll08's Journal

Hey everyone!

Just a quick update...

Last Wednesday, I got engaged! My fiance and I are relocating to the east coast, because of his new job. So this week we are out here looking for a place to live (which we found--more on that in a minute), and I need to find a job! So anyway, long story short, we flew into JFK on New Years Eve, and stayed in the city for the night. We went out to sushi, and then he suggested going to the Empire State Building...so we did! And we got up to the top, he pulled out a ring, and asked me to marry him. It was so romantic,even though it wasn't entirely unexpected. I knew he would be popping the question shortly, before we move out here permenently, next week--eek!  I was so stoked, and excited. I'm so lucky to have him. He does so much for me, and this trip it has been apparent. He is so wonderful to me,and I can't wait for us to start our lives together. He inspires me to be a better person. I love him and there's nothing I wouldn't do for him.

While things are going really well, and things are definitely exciting....I'm very nervous, and under a lot of stress. I'm really stressed out money. Our new place is pricey,but not out of our budget, its just a lot all at once to come up with 2 months rent, AND a security deposit. I honestly have 400 dollars to my name, and since I don't have a job yet here, I'm just really feeling the crunch. I will be selling my car, and we leased one out here, so I'm hoping I can get like 2,000 dollars out of my car,and some of that money can help with the unexpected expenses I know are going to come up. I know everything is going to work out, but I also know that the anxiety I'm feeling, has a lot to do with the fact that I feel like I have so much to do, back at home once we get back from the trip. But being here, makes it hard to get the stuff I need to do back at home, impossible. I'm trying to just enjoy the last day and a half before we go back,and really have to hit the ground running with packing,selling cars, farewell dinners and such.

Ahhh, deep breath.

On that note....restriction is back with a vengence. I know I've lost like 5 pounds on this trip, and I'm probably back under 100lbs. I can't say I don't like being this thin, but at the same time, I'm noticing a lot of my old behaviors and feelings coming back. I'm feeling really a lot of guilt associated with eating. No matter what I eat I feel anxious about it. I'm trying really hard to just be smart about my food choices, and hope that takes away some of my guilt. I also have noticed my mood has been really tied to what I've eaten, if I've eaten, or if I don't know when the next time is that we're going to eat is....I get really cranky. I'm trying really hard to at least get 800 calories a day in me. I know when I go home my mom is going to say something about my weight.

Well, thats thee update. I will update more, and try to keep spilling my guts here, instead of restricting, or binging.

MY GOAL: NO BINGING WHEN I GET HOME FROM THIS TRIP.

Thanks for reading...hope you all had a happy holiday season :)