Journal

I hate to be such a debbie downer, but I'm completely burned out on ideas of how to stay positive about recovery. I can't even make it a week without binging. And the days I don't binge, I'm thinking about it. I've started having these horribly upsetting dreams where I am binging, and it feels so real, I wake up in the morning feeling as sad and worn down as if I'd have really binged. It's really upsetting. I swear I can't handle it. I'm just horribly upset with the cycle I'm in right now. I feel like no matter what I do, I can't kick it. I'm also afraid that my marriage might be contributing to my unhappiness. We've only been married two months, and I know we're still getting to know each other, but its been hard. He and I are completely different communicators, and I don't know how to convey to him that I need a little more interaction. It makes me unhappy when he chooses to play on his iphone, rather than chit chat with me. It may sound silly, but it hurts my feelings when its a reoccuring theme. I've talked to him about it and he says I always give him a hard time about being on his phone (or otherwise engaged), and he doesn't know when I'm really serious about it. UMMM all the time? It just bothers me. I don't know what else to say about it other than I don't know how to help him understand how it makes me feel.

Anyways, I could bitch and moan forever, but I should get going. Ugh. Hope tomorrow is better.

Jeez! It is hard for me to remember to update. I really might set an alarm on my phone, for a reminder, because the whole reason for this journal is for me to see patterns develop, and its hard when I'm only documenting my meltdowns. So, here's to doing better updating...

Today has been a good day. I worked this morning, and came home and cleaned my house...top to bottom! It felt really good to get it done. I hadn't given the house a good cleaning in a long time.  

Food-wise I've been fine today. Not sure why. But I seem to be in control. I did struggle the day we got back from vacation (tuesday), and wednesday. They were both binge days, but I have gotten back to sensible eating since then. I'm making a goal for myself this weekend, for no binges.  I really want to go to the beach and work on my tan this weekend, so that is my motivation.

I've done a fairly good job of keeping track of my meals on my iPhone. I have an app that will track my foods and nutrient ratios and such. I think its a good thing. Helps me see what I'm eating. Also, even though its hard for me to admit to my binge foods, I'm going to track my next binge...when that time comes. I need a reality check on how bad my binges are at the moment.

Anyway...something more positive...it's Friday!

I'll update later :) Take care everyone! 

Today is my first attempt in a really long time to "stay on the wagon". I feel really proud of myself that I ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Not breakfastlunchdinner and then some. I was having a really hard time making myself stop after each meal was over,and I'd just end up consuming all my calories the first time I'd eaten in the day. So frustrating. But, I was able to stop myself today, and eat sensible meals. Yay.

Sorry this is a somewhat boring post...some of them may be. But I promised myself I'd journal every day--so here I am! Anyway. I'll update later, or maybe just write tomorrow!