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Denimari 
6:05am Yesterday
I have to admit I've had a few really good days. Another breakthrough - so to speak, my therapist suggested I get in touch with my daughter Dana, & I did. She couldn't talk last night but called me today, and we talked for over an hour. Some of you know of our past issues & I'm praying for them to resolve - forever now. I noticed the date after our phone call - and realized it was a marker - 27 months since Shaun died. Very hard to comprehend the time -with the progress of healing. Then I gave thoughts to another child I lost in 1983.
She was considered "stillborn", and I was 8 1/2 mo pregnant. I went to the hospital in excruciating pain, and they realized I was in labor - my doctor never came in - 4 nurses took care of me all night - I never even saw a back up doctor or an on-call resident. Well, I hemorraged - and had to get a blood transfusion, have oxygen mask put on - scared to death I was dying - I was in and out of it from 4am - 7am - wiped out & spent - and finally at 8am my doctor came in.
They had unhooked me from the fetal monitor at 7am, so I knew, and he confirmed the baby had died. My husband got up and screamed at the doctor, wanting to know why he never came - why did our baby die? Why didn't they do a C-Section and save her life? It was horrible - they induced and I waited till 5pm to go into delivery - & then they moved me to a general ward off the maternity ward. I grieved for a long time - yet having Dana & Shaun home to take care of was my saving grace.
With Shauns' funeral - I'm amazed I didn't pass out driving through the same gates all those years later - I named my daughter Leanne - I never saw her, but my whole family was at the hospital and everyone held her for me - They told me she was gorgeous, but tiny, 3lbs, 3 oz and perfect in every way - she lays on one side of the cemetery for children only - and Shaun is on the opposite side - I pray they are together watching over their Mom - I've no idea why I thought about her today - the date I imagine - I lost her on 2/6/1983 - and Shaun on 8/6/2007 - I can only say that God gave me 4 angels - and I'm going to make the most of the two I still have in life. Dana & Josh ........years apart - but mine - all of them always mine. Today I did not cry for the first time in a very long time, today I was productive - had some spunk - today was a good day - & hopefully tomorrow will be better - because ultimately everything is in Gods hands - and I've gracefully accepted my pain - I'm looking forward to the holidays right now - not sure how I'll feel when they get here - very low key - but just having life - and wonderful friends is a lot more than others might have right now. Love all of you,
UPDATED GOALS
Heal A Bit More
Progress 20%
Encouragements: 1
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Comments
Deni..I am reading your journal before I get through this busy Saturday and then on to my mother's for a week. She doesn't have computer service so I can not check in on everyone while I am gone. You sound somewhat better even though you are remembering your painful previous years brought on by that significant date the 6th (i lost my Brandon on the 6th eight months ago) ----so sad about your baby girl. It was a traumatic experience to have to deliver a stillborn. It makes one wonder if the doctor had arrived would it have made a difference in the outcome.
It sounds promising about your relationship with your daughter....it would be nice if whatever problems you were having can be resolved. I hope for the best for you and her.
I am glad there were no tears for you today. It was nice to hear that report....and that it was a good day. I hope you have many more. Love to you. I will have a lot of catching up to do when I return.
Dale, Brandon's Mom
Kingsdaughter
It sounds as if healing is happening for you on so many levels. It takes courage daily for us to reach out and care first for ourselves and then others. Continued prayers for your relationship with your daughter to evolve into what you both need at this time. It sounds as if you are really doing your interior work in therapy and also your homework. Thank you for your encouraging words today. Continued peace beamed your way. Your friend, Joanie
Livingjuicy
I'm so proud of you. Continue in your journey of healing my darling friend. I'm so sorry about your precious Leanne. May your relationship with Dana and Josh grow stronger with each passing day. Much love, Teri.
RememberKala
Oh Sweetie, tight, tight hugs!! I am sooo proud of you! Love, Judy
JudyWI
thank you for sharing all that with us. i took lost a child in 1981. i havent thought of alex (my mom named him) for a long time. i got to see him and he looked just like his angel brother Troy. i wish you peace and comfort this holiday season. love, donna
misshimsooo
I am sure that loosing a baby like that is just as awful as any other way. We bond with our babies as soon as we learn they are there. I know I did. I remember when I was pregnant with my first child ,I was only 156, and I would wash and dry and fold his little clothes and things almost everyday. I had them all broke in by the time he was born. I just talked to him, sang to him and folded those little clothes. (His dad was older and off somewhere on drugs.) I am sorry for this loss just as much as the adult son,Love Peggy
grndmudder
Deni, thanks 4 sharing! with a tear rolling down my cheek, i send u my warm thoughts & prayers. may God help us us "Let go & let God." i heard on the christian channel that r children do not want r advise. they only want r luv. compliant 2 this is letting God deal with them. but, oh, it's so difficult 2 not try 2 tell them. we just want 2 put them n r pockets & keep them safe. thanking god 4 sending me u who is so very special as my friend. blessings, hugs, & lol. bess
Bess2
I love you and thank you for sharing your children with us.. they are together and safe in each others arms.. they are both so proud of their mom for fighting so hard.. love to you..
munrogirl
Deni, thank you for sharing this with us. I hope you continue to heal and your relationship with Dana continues to grow. Sending you a hug, Love, Kim
KimRW
Dini, it is so good to hear you in a positive, hopeful mood. I am so glad that you are having good days!!! I am praying about my relationship with my daughter, Tara also. Hugging you tight!!! Love, Kathie
kathiem
What a great day...enjoy it, remember it...strive for another today! Love you...Karen
biowoman
Thanks for sharing Deni. I too lost a child (I can no longer remember what year and for that, I feel guilt). It was a tubal pregnancy, so I never knew the sex of my child. I have had three pregnancies and have one remaining child. Obviously, I did not grieve for that lost pregnancy like I did over losing my 33 year old son, Michael. But that one hurt too! I am so proud of you for continuing to try to cope and I hope that you and Dana reestablish a healthy relationship. All of you need each other. As we all do. Love, B
BinkyH