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Denimari 
12:55am
Hello ladies,
Small breakthrough with therapy this morning - with facing some hard truths, yet having the therapist reassure me - he thinks if I had a safety net in place when Shaun died - I might not be in this stage at all -
The misfortunes - that I had to personally overcome alone - loosing my new job - the very day I started it - because I learned of Shauns death - major blow - everyone went back to their lives, and jobs and I had none - while trying to cope with the loss of my son - having worked my whole life - it was crucial - for me to work - yet it took me until May of 2008 - to find a job - then to loose it in one week. I didn't have a back-up resource - or savings - it was me; and it was hard.
The life transition, hard - the loss of three more jobs - even more to overcome - for every positive move I made - a lift up - followed a negative - but he says I don't know how strong I am - being the sole caretaker for myself - having no one to depend on for anything - driving myself home from an ER - in June of 2008 - after barely making it to the ER - driving with a horrific post-op infection, being treated for six hours - then driving me home - woozy - but I did it. He told me I'm a survivor; when some would have given up - I persisted to keep going no matter of what personal crisis at the time - and I did it alone - so I should not feel like I've failed rather that I have gained - and independant nature that some people wouldn't be able to cope with.
My girlfriend also told me - If I had been working with them when it happened - I would have had a cushion - to go back to work with people who knew me, and respected me - and would have embraced my pain for what it was & understood. Instead I went into strange new places - with a broken heart and a broken spirit - & gave it my best shot - He said he sees me growing past this - in time - but to remember it will take time to recoup - address my physical issues - and feel secure and whole again. I've never been materialistic - my sister had a huge gorgeous home - and a lot of money - yet I was satisfied with the simple things in life - people, my children, laughter & love is all I've ever really wanted - or needed - What I have in life does not define me, what I do with my life does - and those have been the mainstay in my life - Have I had better than this? Yes. Do I need better than this? No.
My purpose here is to give to others, advice, love, laughter - consolation - strength & hope -
& to never judge - because that's not my job - that job belongs to God - and heck if I'm going to cut into his work - with all of that said - a personal note to Shaun,
Shaun, I will never forget the joy you brought into my life. I was so lucky, so very lucky to have you for 29 years as my son - the memories I have stored will never leave me - you had no choice, it was your time to leave us - but the impact you had on all of our lives will remain forever - through the years - love like that does not fade - or get traded for something else -
It is and has always been complete unconditional love - and with more hope than ever - If I do the right thing in life - one day I'll be sitting by your side - to never part again.
Watch over us sweetheart - we miss you, like hell.......
Never will one day pass that you will not be on my mind - but I'm going to try & smile again - I'm going to try to take the steps now - to try to feel joy - I know I need to do it - and I know you understand.
Love you always,
Mom
thanks for reading, & may God bless all of you,
Deni
Comments
I love you friend and thank you for sharing...
munrogirl
I don't think that is a small breakthrough, I think it's pretty big. We've known all along how strong you are, now you can realize it too. I know you have been down a few times (probably more than a few, but you don't always show us that side) but you've always picked yourself up. You are an inspiration. So glad you shared and hoping it can only get better. Much love. Robin
Robin4
I always knew you were a fighter - for everything you have gone through & to still get out of bed in the morning - you are one STRONG person & thank you for being my friend...Hugs, Ann
annsullivan
Your strength is amazing. I know your sons are very proud of mom for doing what seems impossible... against the odds....a remarkable person with a clarity of what needs to be done and WILL do it. Please know your sisters on DS are behind you and want the best for you and son. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I know you will come through...we are more than conquerors. Love, Dale..Brandon's Mom
Kingsdaughter
I know exactly what you faced and are facing. Everyone tells me to get a job and that will save me, but they are looking at it through their perspective, working helped them. But when you go into a new place with this pain.... it's not the same! One's focus is not clear and you know the rest. You put an unbearable burden on yourself. I've no idea what sort of job I could do right now. I'd choose something very very simple.
Trust me, I know what you went through!
Sus
Soosanah
Deni...fantastic! I have always admired your ability to perservere through the hardest of times...and your therapist recognizes your strength...I hope you see this now...and step by step you are to conquer these struggles and get a life that brings some good things...not just sorrow. I am so proud of you...love to you...Karen
biowoman
Now you sound so much better. The theripist must be a good one. I am proud of you. My prayers will still be with you and my thoughts. I love you friend,Peggy
grndmudder
This is a great post, Deni! And I agree, I think this must be a great therapist, spot on information coming to you, some you prob know, but to hear it from a pro,...well, that is just sooo validating!!
You are moveing in the right direction, Hon,...but there will always be the ups and downs, and for that, we are always here for you! Tight hugs, and love, Judy
JudyWI
Deni,
I am always glad to see that you have posted, but this post is special. I am so glad you have the therapists that knows what he is doing, and that he is helping you to see the real person you are. A wonderful, strong woman.
Love to you my friend, Barbara
doxylady
Deni, you have overcome so much and you do have incredible strength. You really seem to be moving in the right direction and your positiveness is very inspiring. You are so right about what we choose to do with our lives is what defines who we are. I'm so glad you are doing better. Hugs, Kim
KimRW
I hope you find strength throughout this all, Deni! I can identify with much that you say and we have to find it in ourselves to keep on trying! My son never knew his father and thus, I dealt with his death alone. I am still in debt over it. I don't make very much money and am trying to find a place to live because if I don't soon, I will be sleeping in less than a comfortable situation: that being in my car LOL. Hey, what can I do but laugh about it. We are fighters, Deni. Love to you Belinda
BinkyH