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Denimari 
12:55am
God has put me in "Hell", again - living hell that seems to abnormal to me. If I thought life was bad with my first husband, my 2nd husband, my family, or friends - I had no idea then how lucky I was - I'm torn, in isolation day to day, wracking my brain every second on how to get out of this "place" in my mind. I detest Sundays - we do nothing - Josh is quiet - he has nothing to talk about - & he's tired from working. I have no one to do anything with - no one to visit, no one to invite over - no one to call, because we're limited with phone use - What is this? & Why?
How did I end up here? My cardiac issues are worse - so I'll need to make an appt., these headaches - what on Gods earth is causing this?
I pray & I try so hard to move forward, but nothing is changing, and I'm so sick of this I could literally scream outloud -
Maybe this apt was a dream that I can't have - maybe God wants me somewhere else right now, but where? I'm no good to anyone in this condition - & I put a smile on my face for Josh - but I just feel dead inside - there are way too many triggers from the past here - I didn't see them at all when I stayed with family in PA, but my brother - was so awful to me - I had to leave -
What can I change here? Anyone with any advice please let me know before I go stark raving insane - I haven't mentioned to the whole group yet but I was having tremors that began in March that have progressed to the point of being a daily event & I'm arranging a follow-up with a neurologist - to see what can be done about this.
Hurt my back Friday morning lifting laundry - it's still hurting - This is not life - or anything like what I used to call life -
I feel like a live in a morgue with the dead, and quiet - and I'm f'n angry -
Deni
Comments
I wish I knew what to say or do, I am so sorry for your pain and additional suffering you do not deserve this. I keep remembering that God is closest to those who are suffering. I am praying for you and that you find answers and relief and comfort from this hell you are enduring. You are not alone I am thinking of you! Hugs Kate
katemc
Hurts me for you Deni...it just hurts me. I know that you will continue to perservere...some how...you are tough and you can see what happens with some intensive therapy, new meds and some new doctors this can change...give it some time...love you friend...Karen
biowoman
Deni, your sure don't deserve all this physical and emotional pain.. Your therapist said it would take time so patience is the key, easy for me to say but its the truth.. Also I thought of your hobby, poems. Try writing and reading, it helps take you away fi just for awhile. Your stronger than you realize. I believe with all my being you will succeed. Hang in there and know you are not alone. Love, Pat
tomtom
Deni....I have decided I will live and not die..and I think you have to make up your mind that you will live and satan will not get you and then you can fight...Hang in there girl!!!
Glenda
Oh Hon,...I am so sorry you are going through all of this! I can only imagine how awful you must feel.
Can you get out for a while, take a walk? Go to the library, get some books to read? Join a ladies club of some sort?? Talk to a Pastor about options,...maybe some volunteer work--just a few hours here and there might put you in touch with some really nice people? I know my Mom always said that "God never closes a door, without opening a window" Unfortunately, it is up to us to find that window,...in the meantime, you do have us, we care, and I soooo wish there was something I could do for you! Tight hugs! Love you, Judy
JudyWI
Deni, as hard as it seems...try not to get discouraged. You are strong and things will get better. I'm so sorry that you are going thru all this right now and will continue to pray for things to get better for you and Josh. You are cared about a lot by many !! Hugging you tight ! Love, Kim
KimRW
Deni...you know already that it is the devil creating havoc in your life because...because...because HE CAN!! Damned devil. Do not give him a foothold in your life. Even though it is overwhelming, you have Josh and he needs to see your strength. ...that there is always always hope even in the worst of situations. That is how God works...he did not promise there would be no troubles...in fact Jesus said there WILL be troubles but that we can overcome those troubles through him. It is so very hard to tell you to push through this while I have family all around and friends...but you know who reached out? ME! I have started going to church and learning how to cope in the world...it is an awful time but I will not allow satan to have the rest of my life.....enjoying my pain..instead, I will spit in his face and love my Lord, knowing that my son is with Him in Heaven and that I will be there one day, too. Just pray....keep praying...reach out to others around you...church...neighbors...let them know you are hurting and you need them. That is how I did it. I believe that God has surrounded me with "angels", select people who have prayed for me every step of the way. Here is my mantra that has gotten me through the worst of times..."Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world!" God bless you ..love and contentment....Dale., Brandon's Mom
Kingsdaughter
Deni, I pray that you find peace. Sometimes, we have to find it from within and have to dig deep to find it. No one else can really guide us to it. Love to you.
BinkyH
I can only say I love you Deni, I do and I am so very sorry that I cannot help you or even know anything to tell you. I only knoy that you still have Josh. He is your hope. I don't know how to say this to you, I do not want to sound mean or like I feel sorry for myself. But when my first son,Paul died, I still had my other son, Steven and my step daughter, Karls. Then in 2007 when they were all gone, I was at the bottom of the darkest place I can imagine. It took me a very long time to crawl even a short way out. I had a counseler, and antidepressants. I had a husband, and grand kids. I know that is alot of blessings, but at that time, my children and the hole they left was all I could see. Honey, I am praying for you to see just a bit of light. I love you and I am here thining of you. My Lord I wish I could do something for you. I feel so helpless and useless because I cannot help you. I am praying and loving you,Peggy
grndmudder