Journal

I've done a lot of things in my life that I'm not proud of. It's easy to let them haunt me, at night or in idle moments. But there are things about myself that I am proud of, and over time I hope to have more and more.

People don't kill themselves because of the past, people do it because of the future - fear, of pain, of guilt, of all sorts of things. But we all have a choice, and I have chosen to be a good person. If I can live with myself, I think (I hope) I can live with anything.

I'm in a spot of bother. I have a friend - a great friend, who I know would be completely understanding, but he doesn't know about what happened to me. Anyway, long story short, I'm kind of in a position now where I either have to explain to him or I have to be a complete bitch and freeze him out of my life completely. I really don't want to lose him as a friend, so I think I have to tell him. But I've never told anyone before - there are three people in the world who know (apart from the people who were involved), and they all found it out in other ways. I have no idea how to begin telling him, and I'm terrified that it'll make him see me completely differently. I know he'd be totally on my side, and totally supportive, but I don't want him to see me as a 'victim' of anything. And if I'm honest, I don't want to have to say the words.

I don't know what to do. I was hoping writing it down might help to clarify it in my mind, but I'm just as confused as I was when I started writing this entry.