Journal

Wow, tonight was sooooooooo much fun! Just wow, I laughed and smiled so much in those 3 hours. 

So tonight was game night at Ms Ada's house, I knew that Mia and Dana werent coming, and so I pretty much assumed that not many people would be there, and it would be boring.

The day started with me getting woken up at 6am, because I forgot to grade Jesse's spelling. So that sucked. On top of that, I had to help him with a reading lesson, and it was about John and Allen McIntosh. And of course Jesse would not let me live it down, he had to tease me the entire time, which sucked, cause I really missed Allen, I hadnt seen him in two weeks. Anyways, then Jer and Jess and I went back to bed, and didnt wake up till 10:40! which was bad, we were supposed to be up at 8:30.......

So we spent all day doing school and cleaning the house, and then Lark picked me and the boys up at the house at 5:50. "So I texted Allen earlier and he said he might be coming." "Oh sweet, dont count on it though....." "Ya, Allen never makes up his mind, haha." "Ya, Im happy if he says that hes not coming, cause then he is, haha." But ya, I was still kinda down about it, I had already thrown out the idea that he was going. Boy was I happy when I saw his car in the driveway of Miss Ada's house, I was all smiles after that, haha.

So lets see, we get down to the basement, and we all play "around the world"(ping pong game) I totally sucked at it, haha, but it was fun anyways. Then I kinda sat on the couch, watching some of the guys play some more rounds. Half of the group was playing Uno, and then Kailey invited me and Lark to play Clue with her and Sydney, so we played, it was pretty fun. Kailey had to go, and Jacob played for her, and he won on the first freaking guess!! haha

Then Lark and I watched Allen and Colin and Alex play ping pong, and Allen accidently hit Lark with a ball, then he started hitting her with it on purpose, and Alex hit me with one and it was war. We just started hucking the ping pong balls at eachother as hard as we could, haha. I was dying laughing the whole time, cause I barely got hit at all, and Lark had all these welts. Then we played Mafia, and on the second night, Lark was like, "I vote to kill Allen!" "What is wrong with you?!" I just laughed, it was hilarious. 

Well after Allen was dead(or a ghost as he claims, lol) he was hitting Lark with the ping pong balls, and he accidently hit me really hard in the back, "Oh my gosh, Im sorry Jeanelle, that one sounded like it hurt!" "Ya, just a little, haha." Then the boys left with Cam and Elliott, and Lark and I left, and viola, now im here. There was a ton more things I wanted to say, I just cant remember them, haha. But all in all, great night:)

You know, not having friends my own age is really starting to suck. I cant talk serious to my friends at all. The only one I can really talk seriously to is Allen, but hes a guy, so that doesnt always work out. I just need a girl to talk to, someone who is in the same stage of their life as I am, but theres not one around:( ugh, I feel so damn alone:'/ 

Lets see, I woke up feeling like crap after stupid nightmares:/ Then I pretty much got yelled at by mom all day, then I went to youth, felt pretty good, Allen didnt show, which I kinda expected. Mia and Dana and Lark were like being noisy the whole time. Afterwards, everyone played dodgeball, and Lark and I were the last ones there, and they never even picked teams for us, they just started playing, which hurt. Mia and Dana and Lark just played with a bowling ball. I walked over to the stage, sat down, and texted Allen, figured he was probably feeling crappier than I was.

Isabella noticed that everyone left us out for dodgeball, and she and I werent too happy about it, we were talking about how certain people get favored and all that stuff, which reminded me about the talk Seth and I had about getting left out of the Halo party a couple of weeks ago. Then almost everyone left, and I said something to Jeremiah about being left out, and he didnt hear me correctly and he was like, "Ya, when Dana and Mia are around, you always get left out." ouch. I had to think about it a minute, deny it, and then accept it:/ cause it is true......ugh

I just feel like Im pushed off to the side, and called upon only when absolutely neccesary:'(  The only one who seems to actually try to cheer me up and stuff is Alex. Sad, very sad. I doubt anyone will miss me when I go to Arizona.............

Well today was fun, I thought everyone would think I was weird, cause I dressed in all black and red.

Anyways, Cameron and Elliott were over, so we all had to cram in the car because mom was at work with the truck. Well we were 3/4 of the way to church, and dad was like, "Something is wrong with this car." I thought he was joking, because he likes to tease us. Then he said it again, and I felt the car slow and realized it wasnt running at all. I was thinking, ugh, now this day is completely ruined and mom is gonna be mad.......  

Well Dad called mom and she came to get us and then we dropped her off at her first work site. Then dad dropped us off at the church, and we were like super late. The Intern? pastor was teaching our sunday school class, which was weird, but I love his use of the word idiot, lol. Allen wasnt there, so I thought he mightve been tired from playing raquetball this weekend. Lark was there, with Mia, and I was like, "Mia!!" and we ran up and gave eachother a hug. Lark was like, "Jeez, I dont get a hug?"  "Haha, of course you do!" so I gave her a hug too. And of course I gave Kim a hug as well.

Came home, and finished cooking the ribs and cauliflower, ate, and then went to sleep. I couldnt sleep at first, and then I started thinking and sigh, memories of last Sunday came right to me, ended up crying myself to sleep:/ Woke up an hour later, felt sick and dizzy and crap, so I threw on my coat, and ate a little something, and then I sat outside to wait for Kim's mom to pick me up for Awana.

Needless to say, Ive had way too much time to think today. I just sat on the deck, and those lyrics, "Loneliness gets so old, Im in the lost and found, sitting on the shelf......." just kept playing in my head. Then I looked around, and I said outloud(because everyone was gone):

"You know why I hate the end of fall? Because everything is dead. Just dead......Theres not even a birdsong, or a chipmunk chatter, its just silent. Just dead...... I cant wait for snow, theres something about it, that bring life back. The mooonlit shimmer of a new fallen snow is just, breathtaking. But right now, its all just brown, everything crushes into pieces under my feet. Even the green on the pines just seems dull. Im so sick of death, I hate it. It destroys everything......." 

Then I thought of something else, and I put kind of a tune to it....."My heart cries, 'Imagine!' But my mind asks, 'Why? Why dream?' and my heart replies, 'Because dreaming keeps me alive.'"

Then I just sat there in silence, just staring off, I felt so numb......

Luckily Kim's mom pulled up at that point. We got to Awana, and I walked inside to the cafe, the leaders were getting ready to pray. "Jeanelle, smile!" Alex said as I sat down. So I grinned for a second, and then rolled my eyes, haha. After prayer I just stood in the sanctuary, talked to Cameron and Elliott a little, and Mr Sanderson. Then I noticed that Allen still wasnt there, so I got a little worried, he hasnt been feeling too great lately:/

Then we did all the normal stuff, and then we got to have our pizza party!! it was soooooo yummy! haha, I think Kim and I enjoyed it more than the Sparkies. So then we went back to the classroom to finish our devotional and all that good stuff. I couldnt take not knowing anymore, so I texted Allen, to make sure he was ok, which he was I guess. He was still on his way back from Raquetball, I thought he had come back this morning, which was a total guess on my part, but thats the way Nathan made it sound. That was a relief though. 

Awana ended and I was teasing Alex about the pizza, haha. Then I found Kim and we left. Allen and I texted till I got home. And now Im here, writing this journal.