MinnesotanMommy's Journal

Hmm...I dunno how much new information I have to report. I've been on the Provera for 2 days now. Hoping it kicks in and induces me to cycle soon. But, I'm on the Provera for 10 days, so it could be a little over a week before it kicks in too. Patience. I know. Guess I'm just excited. I decided I need to give up caffinated coffee in the near future. So, my goal is that when I finish the coffee creamer I have here, I'm going to quit drinking coffee. I don't need the calories from the creamer anyhow. Not that I'm watching my calories, but I really don't need liquid calories. I get too many from my liquids anyhow, and I have plenty of drink options that are less calorie dense and maybe even healthier, such as water with lemon, for instance. I was watching Biggest Loser last night (like I do every week) and Jillian was talking about how you can use avacado to spread on a sandwich instead of mayo. You shoulda heard me! I HATE avacado. I told Carl that if I have to use avacado, I won't eat the sandwich. LOL. However, I did switch back to my light bread. Thing is, I like it better then plain bread that most people eat. Carl prefers white bread, I prefer 100% grain breads. He doesn't like the texture of my breads, and I figure if I'm going to enjoy a 100% grain bread, I'll just get it in light bread because I love bread and toast. Surprisingly, I haven't eaten more then a couple slices since Monday, and usually I'm chowing bread and toast like crazy! But...I am having Carl pick up smoked turkey breast and some GOOD american cheese from work (he works at a meat market), so once I have that, I can eat sandwiches again. I enjoy the stuff from where he works, and maybe once every month or two months, I have him pick me up a pound of each so I can enjoy them. And also, I don't seem to want to cook much of anything when I'm by myself, so this is a great meal option for me when they're gone. I can eat a turkey and cheese sandwich, grilled turkey and cheese, grilled cheese, cheese and crackers, turkey and cheese and crackers. I just have more options this way. I've been craving tomato soup lately, so I think I'll put that on my shopping list for next week. Wonder why my head is in food right now. I ate eggs for breakfast and am full. Oh well. My mind wanders to strange things. Today I get to sit for around 2 hours while Ethan has psychological testing this afternoon. I plan on bringing my book in with me. I've been bad about not finishing my books lately (outside of informational ones like "Life Without Ed"), so my goal is to finish this one before it has to go back to the library. It isn't that it isn't good, cuz it is very good, it's just that I never feel like reading anything lately. Even reading a magazine isn't my cup of tea anymore. I go in spells with reading though. Right now I'm into The Golden Girls, on TV. I'll have it on every episode I can find, even if I'm doing dishes. I just listen to it while I get stuff done. Instead of a radio on, it's my TV tuned to Golden Girls. But they are such a pick-me-up. I enjoy the show so much. I get so many laughs from them! Carl stuck my favorite cat outside, in the rain, mind you. He said the cat rubbed against his muddy boot so he had to go outside. I tried to argue him cuz the cat would have cleaned himself off, but it did no good. LOL.  I just like my monster sized cat. This cat is bigger then his brother. Bigger then any cat his age, actually. He's so snuggly and lovable that I enjoy having him in here cuz I can crawl into bed and he'll just lay with me and sleep. My son isn't real snuggly anymore (well, he never was with me), so I need something that wants to snuggle with me. LOL. I miss that baby stage when I could take Ethan and just sit in the chair and snuggle with him. Oh well. Someday again I'll have a little one to snuggle with, and, hopefully, my bond to the next baby will be stronger then I had with Ethan. Ethan and I are getting closer as he's getting older, but I want that bond to a child, one I never got with Ethan because my mental health was so bad that I couldn't bond to anyone, let alone a child. I couldn't even take care of myself most of the time, so taking care of a child and nurturing them was out of the question. I was good for the entire pregnancy, but post partum depression nailed me so hard. Now, though, mentally I'm prepared for another child, and emotionally I'm in a much better spot then I was when I got pregnant with Ethan, and my medication is balanced this time, where when I was pregnant with Ethan, I was off everything until the depression nailed me and I had to go on medication. So hopefully all this combined with give me a good chance at being the best mother I can be. I'm a good mother to Ethan now. I regret the time I missed with him because I couldn't take care of myself, but I have to let that go, leave it in the past, learn from it, and improve my behavior so I don't repeat that very thing I regret. I'm doing my best to make up for what I didn't do when he was younger and that's all I can do. I'm being the very best mom I know how to be. And that just has to be good enough. Anyhow, not much else to elaborate on. My mind just moves all over the place if I don't have an agenda when I start writing. Oh well. Sometimes I have revelations when I do that, other times, like today, I just babble about dumb stuff like food. LOL. Happy day people!