MinnesotanMommy's Journal

Ahh...the simple pleasures in life! On a 39* morning at 4:46 AM, the simple pleasures of a hot cup of coffee and a sweater to wear are just little pleasures you can have. We have a frost advisory until later this morning and our high temp is only in the mid 40's! I have a chiropractor appointment this morning at 8:20, then I have therapy at 9. I have to stop by the library to bring a book back. I tried to renew it online and couldn't because it's on hold right now for someone. Kinda irks me as I have only gotten half way through it, but that's my own dumb fault. I had 3 weeks to read it and spent maybe a total of a week reading it. But, oh well. I'll just get another book by her. The book was written by Jodi Picoult and I just love her writing. I really need to get back into reading. It gives me a mental escape from life's daily stresses. I also have a home visit for 12:30 with my support worker today. She is taking me out to a local restaurant to have some coffee and to visit so I can get out and do something socially. I'm looking forward to that.

I am hoping Carl will give me a few dollars so I can go over to Walmart and pick up bottled water. I refuse to drink anything else now, after being so sick. I don't know if it was the water or not. We never did get it tested, but I refuse to risk it. My water is only used for washing and cooking now as far as I'm concerned. Ethan has drank the regular well water again for a while now and he's not getting sick, but I was so dang sick for over a week, for nearly 2 weeks, that I just refuse to risk it again. That was a horrible, just awful experience!

Well, Ethan had an appointment for next Wednesday to get psychological testing so we can figure out just what's going on with him so we can help him make the most progress possible with his behavior and emotions, but they had to move it out another week after that as the doctor that's doing it will be out next Wednesday. Frustrating, but we'll still get it done. I'm eager to have it done as his therapist just doesn't have a real difinitive answer as to what I'm up again. She thought oppositional defiant disorder. Then it was maybe Asperger's. I question if it might be ADHD. So no one really has a lead on which direction to go in terms of treatment except to re-enforce that mom is the boss and he needs to listen and he has to listen to his teachers, etc. etc. etc.  So I'm eager to have the testing done and to get the results! I just feel so helpless sometimes in helping him and feel like sometimes I'm banging my head against a wall (like yesterday!) and getting no where with him. He's such a sweet kid! I just hate the fact that sometimes I can't get through to him on various things.

I'm still dealing with some very personal issues, but I have connected with someone on the site who really and truly gets me on the two biggest issues I'm having and then a few who get this SIF that I battle with. I'm so grateful to have friends who are really understanding me on a personal level. The biggest issue I battle is my binge eating disorder most of the time, and connecting with someone who really and truly gets me on a personal level really means a lot to me. I get so much criticism about the whole thing and how if I want to get to goal weight, I have to have willpower to follow the diet, blah blah blah blah. It all turns into blah blah blah for me because I already know the "rules". It isn't that I don't get them. I get them very well. Its so much more complicated for me then just getting the rules I'm supposed to follow. And so many really and truly don't get that. BED isn't real to some people. Its all about willpower to them. And for some, willpower works great and they can beat their BED behavior. I can't do it that way. Its so complicated for me, as it is with many people who have BED. 

I need to talk to my med nurse about possibly getting something for the irritability. I dunno if it'll be as simple as taking a Klonopin once or twice a day or what. I don't like the whole med thing, but I'm also getting desperate to control the irritability because it's insanely bad these days and I can't stand being in my own skin sometimes! My doctor did think I have PMDD though, and maybe that's the whole issue for me and just treating that will help take care of the irritability.

What's funny is that I can cope with the idea of going on an antidepressant for the PMDD treatment, but taking one for my mental health just isn't kosher with me for some reason. Its kinda strange to me. I mean, if anyone else takes an antidepressant for mental health, I don't think twice about it. But I do, and its an issue. Strikes me as strange. Oh well. I never said I was "normal".

Well, my BED treatment is over. 16 weeks and it's over now! I have anxiety about continuing to successfully deal with my BED and to maintain any little bit of progress I've made, but I have to stay recovery oriented. I have my supports set up already. I have an appointment with the dietitian that was treating me after my surgery set up. She's such a sweetheart. I'm so glad to have found her and to work with her. She's so good at her job, and has such compassion. I remember one time when I went in and she said she randomly woke up one night and thought of me so she prayed for me. I told her that was funny to me because I'd really been struggle that same night with some stuff. She's just awesome! 

I see my therapist today. Though, what's gonna suck is that my insurance is cut off right now because I got my paperwork in late, so I likely won't be covered again until next month. But, I just have to deal with it. Its my own fault for getting my paperwork in late for the renewal period. I'll deal with it. I have no choice but to deal with it. I really need my dietitian and therapist right now to support me in my recovery journey, so if I have to self pay the appointments, I guess I'll do that. Recovery is just that important to me.

Anyhow, I'ma go and enjoy my coffee and maybe do some devotionals to start my day since it doesn't look like I'm going to go back to sleep and won't have time once I have to get up, so I might as well make the most of my alone time while I have it.