MinnesotanMommy's Journal

Beautiful, by Christina Aguilera is a fantastic song! I wish I could truly believe it right now. I just don't. I'm not depressed so much as I'm disappointed with myself. 

I had a quarterly treatment plan meeting with my case manager and support worker and the subject of volunteering came up, as a way to fill another goal of mine: to fill idle time in the day so I don't sleep so much. Yes, I'm sleeping to curb boredom. And I HATE when I do that but I can't seem to make myself function right now. I'm not depressed though. That's the weird part. I'm not depressed yet I can't seem to function until evening. I'm thinking its sedation from something I'm taking, so hopefully in another week or two I'll be relieved of that. At any rate, me sleeping all day reminds me of the person I was before surgery, and I HATE that person with a passion, and this sleeping brings me emotionally back to that, and the idea that I'm reverting to a person I totally HATE (when other people struggle with the very same issues, I don't hate them, so why I hate myself for it is beyond me) just isn't a good thing. I'm upset with myself over this, yet I can't seem to jump up and get past it right yet. Anyhow, the volunteer conversation was brought up as a way to ease myself back into working in small steps instead of me jumping head first into working and then getting the anxiety, paranoia and depression as a result. So it makes sense and logically I can wrap my mind around this, but emotionally I'm so terrified of doing this and failing at the attempt yet again. I'm so scared at even taking the first step and making the phone call to inquire more about it. But my case manager and support worker both offered to help me with that first step and my case manager said he'd be willing to take me to the potential place of volunteering after we make that initial contact so I can check things out, so that's helpful. He's knocking down my obstacles one at a time I guess. I mean, I can't say I can't call on my own, cuz there are two people willing to help me with that, and then I can't say I can't drive there cuz, initially, I have rides to get to the place. So that knocks out my excuses to not even try to start the process. Damn.

Well, I called yesterday to get an appointment with my nurse practitioner about my PMS symptoms. My eating goes haywire for about 2 weeks a month, sometimes a little longer, never less. The gals at group thought maybe it could be symptoms of PMDD, so I read up a bit on that and it seems I line up pretty well with the symptoms, so I'm going to talk to my nurse practitioner next week and explore that with her. I also have some other issues, a little more on the personal side, to discuss with her. One is my inability to conceive a child. The other is a bit more personal and nothing I'll discuss publicly at this point. About 6 years ago I was diagnosed with PCOS but I don't really have the classic two symptoms, cycsts on my ovaries (they never even did ultrasound to find out if I had them) and no insulin resistance. I think I was diagnosed primarily on the idea that I had problems conceiving back then. Well, I'ma talk to my nurse practitioner about that too and see if she thinks that diagnoses is correct or if that is off too. Cuz if I don't have it, then my treatment options for helping the conception process would be a bit different in that they probably wouldn't have to put me on Glucophage, which is use for diabetes and insulin resistance often. If I don't have insulin resistance going on, then I may not need that for at treatment option and the whole game would change in how we approach it. I'm not interested in fertility clinics and can't afford it anyhow. I'd love to adopt, to be honest, but again, the money isn't there for that either. I know a gal who went through fertility treatments and she doesn't have a whole lot positive to say about the whole experience (she never did end up pregnant and she instead adopted). She went so far to say that you are really more a number and success or failure to them then a person, and I'd have to say, based on my experiences in various treatments, that it's true. I know its very true as far as my bypass surgery. They're forever stressing how my diet "should" be, and not at all on the fact that I have BED and that treatment for BED is totally different from treatment of a bypass patient, and one method, the bypass diet, isn't real productive for me in terms of my BED, and its more about restriction versus my BED diet that offers me flexability and variety, which helps me avoid a binge. I'm also struggling very badly with my grazing again. But, I think that's part of my PMS symptoms. I go into this cycle for a total of two or three weeks, with only one or two weeks of "sane" eating, in a pattern that is healthy. Right now I'm doing good to make it the recommended 3 hours in between meals/snacks (as posed by my BED diet). I get maybe 2 at most, most days, most times. I can't stand that at all. I feel so insane with my food right now. Over at my BED treatment group, they tell me I'm making progress, not to sell myself short, that I'm too hard on myself. I beg to differ. I'm still grazing like nuts, and even if it's not a binge, to me it's still not doing things right, but they argue that I'm making progress to be grazing now and not binging anymore. Yes and no. Logically I can wrap my mind around that idea, but my head just won't agree with the idea of progress. I guess its all a process. I'm also upset that my house just isn't very clean. I'm embarassed, yet, beyond doing dishes, and maybe washing a load of laundry each night, I can't seem to get myself moving. I want to at least be out and walking and I can't even get myself to start that! I, upon reflecting what I've written, sense this is a great big beat up fest on myself. Hmm...I need to work on changing that. So I'm feeling defeated. I don't need to nail myself over and over. It won't help me feel better. On the other side, writing about all of what I'm thinking helps me process some of this. So I dunno.