MinnesotanMommy's Journal

Sometimes I wonder what sets me into a fit of giggling. Last night after group it was one thing or another on the way home with my driver that caused me to bust out laughing. Most of it made no sense to anyone but us, but oh my goodness, did we have a good time laughing together on and off for 2 1/2 hours. So...we get to Clearwater to stop at a gas station so I can get a bite to eat cuz my meal at group was just awful, and we get out and walk up to a garbage can and I throw something into it and hold it open for my driver to throw her stuff in and all of a sudden the top goes flying off and lands on the ground and my driver is covered in pop on her one arm from the top flying off. Now, note this...just prior to getting out of the van to go inside the gas station, we were joking (I'd seen a billboard) about going to the pub that's hooked on to this gas station. So we're just standing there laughing ridiculously hard and I make a comment in between gasping for breath that people will really think we've just been to the pub. (I'm still laughing about this...even thinking about it is still funny). So then we're driving along and we see a cop had pulled someone over on the other side of the interstate. So I make a comment, randomly, that I stole a Dove dark chocolate from treatment (we'd had some chocolates going around the room after a REALLY BAD NASTY meal) and she goes, "You better hurry up and throw the wrapper out the window so we're not pulled over for you stealing that chocolate." Again, laughter so hard my stomach was hurting. I told her it was pretty crazy to think that I go to a treatment program for an eating disorder and I swipe a chocolate to take with (which we're allowed to do anyhow!). I tell her that if I throw the wrapper out, we'd probably get pulled over for littering, so I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't, and again, we bust out in laughter. I tell you, it was one thing after another last night. I almost laughed so hard at the gas station I nearly pee'd my pants! Talk about a couple of overtired women on the move. Holy heck. We were sitting there recalling other adventures we'd had in the last 14 weeks of going to treatment and we were busting out in laughter over those incidences too! Like when the window randomly fogged up on the way home, the time we went and some guy pulled in front of us and flicked us off and we just sat laughing about it all. I'm going to miss my time with my driver when I'm done with treatment in two weeks! Its kinda sucky that she drives for the county cuz we can't keep in contact outside of her driving for me to appointments. If we could keep in contact outside of her driving me, I would so keep in contact with her. I really do love this woman. She just rocks! I have such good times with her! I really look forward to my Monday's rolling around, not only to have some good laughs with her, but for the company and understanding she offers. She truly is a wonderful woman and I was blessed to have her as my driver for this period of time. Guess everyone we come across is for a reason, and maybe I really needed her right now. So, group is done in TWO WEEKS! I'm freaking. The companionship and understanding I get there is unbelievable! I truly have bonded with the other woman in my group! They understand me in a way no one else can. You can never truly understand another's situation unless you've been in those same shoes I think. I get them, they get me, and they offer me honest opinions and deep compassion on a personal level. Last night I was nearly in tears talking about the end of group coming up and I was truly shaken by this idea. The dietitian that helps facilitate our group said that this is very normal for people in the group. That there are people within the group about the time of week 14 where the reality of the group ending is very real and emotional. Well, I'm there. I'm terrified to go out on my own, without the weekly check-in of my group, and manage my eating disorder. To be free of binge eating? Can it happen without the group? I'm sure it can, and it has. Thing is, they're offering a relapse prevention group every other week and I can't go cuz its only for an hour and I have to drive 2 1/2 hours to even get there, and I had to jump through hoops to even get approval for the group itself, so I'm not about to jump anymore hoops to go 2 hours a month for support. So a  bunch of the ladies agreed that we should exchange e-mail addresses and phone numbers for people such as myself (well, there's only 2 of us who can't make the aftercare group) that can't make it to the relapse prevention group. So I will have contact with the other ladies after our last week, and, hopefully, I can maintain the connection I've established with them. Its been so beneficial. Its a very emotional thing for me, to only have two more weeks of group before its really time for me to go put to practice what I've learned. I'm seriously struggling with my grazing behavior though, and I addressed that in group last night, and it happens every 4-5 weeks like clock work. Now, even if this is TMI, I don't physically cycle every month, but I know my body is shifting because I'll still break out on my face about every 4-5 weeks and I'll get so irritable about the same time, and it'll be a battle for about a week, then for another week or two, I'll be grazing, and then I'll get maybe a week of sane eating, and then it repeats the cycle. While I addressed this issue in group last night, they suggested that maybe I could have PMDD with the severity of symptoms I seem to experience on a regular basis and the tough time I have recovering each time from the shift. So, I see my med nurse on Thursday and I'll bring it up to her and see what her take is. I kept attributing my symptoms to my mental health, but the more the other gals talked about this, the more it made sense. I will read up on it a little and draw my own conclusion before I see my nurse Thursday though. But, if that's the case, then it might be as simple as a medication I can take to normalize my hormone levels so this life isn't such a battle in that time. But, we'll see. She'll either agree or disagree, and if she agrees with the idea, then she'll either prescribe something to me, or she'll refer me back to my nurse practitioner for further evaluation. Either way, I need some answers, cuz this cycle is insane that I'm in and I just don't like it real well. I can never seem to recover my food issues long enough to feel in control real well. I only start to regain control and once I feel the control I'm working towards, I feel miserable emotionally again, and it triggers my grazing behavior. So, we'll see. While I'm not thrilled with being on more meds, I will give it a go if it'll help me regain some sense of sanity!! Anyhow, we're getting psychological testing on Ethan. First his therapist thought maybe he had ODD, now she's thinking it could be an ASD, but we're not entirely sure, so she is referring him for further testing so we can make heads or tails of what's going on in that little head of his (well, as much as we can get from testing) so we can know which direction we need to go in terms of treatment to help him progress in a positive way. On Friday, he comes home to tell me he had to sit with his head down at school. I ask him what he did, and he says he walked in the girl's bathroom with one of his classmates for no reason. He is severely bad about following other children!! And usually, its the crowd of kids he joins in that gets him in more trouble then he gets himself in. I don't know why he's so drawn to these kids that do such crummy things! If someone is tormenting someone else verbally, he joins in. He's so desperate for approval of his peers and we can't seem to break that in him. We offer him so much encouragement and approval and praise here at home, so logically, he shouldn't long as severely as he does for their approval. Anyhow, there are many other behaviors that just don't seem to line up and make logical sense. He has a thing with sleeping with things. Like, a toy, or a picture he drew or colored, or a new pen or pencil, or a book order from school (that was his last one), or library books. He simply won't go to sleep unless he has what he wants next to him in bed, and I can't figure it out. He's been like this for years. Most kids are attached to a blanket or a stuffed animal. not my son. He's hooked to various things. Odd things sometimes. He goes to the dentist and gets a new toothbrush and he'll want to sleep with that toothbrush. I don't really understand it, but I'm noticing it more and more as he gets older. Anyhow, just rambling thoughts. I REALLY need to be writing more regularly. I don't get therapy every week (like I'd like) and when I miss a week in between, it really screws with my head and I sorta just ball things up until I crack at the end of the second week! Not a good habit. Anyhow, I'm off. I have to get ready so I can go to school to get Ethan and take him to therapy today at 3.