MinnesotanMommy's Journal

All that's been brewing for the last couple of weeks in me that I haven't been talking to anyone about (haven't seen my therapist for over a week now which isn't normal for me) just spewed out to Carl. I told him this was only the tip of what's going on in me. I'm sick of being treated like I don't know what's best for my son and that my getting him tested to see what we're working with is wrong, and that he doesn't need his therapist. I'll take even a couple days a week where he's improving over seven days of a child who we never see progress and improve in his behavior. (his parents keep berating everything I'm doing with Ethan in this area and its really getting to me now). I'm sick of being treated like this doctor telling me that our water supply could be the cause of all three of us getting so sick with camphylobacter is wrong. We don't know if its the water, but this particular doctor, the one that Carl's dad goes to and trusts in, is the one who told me, and when I repeat what the doctor said, I just have to be wrong for some reason. Anyone else says what this doctor says and they're right on. I say it and it has to be wrong for some reason. I mean, what the hell?! Why can't I be treated like I know what I'm talking about? I'm not so stupid. I know I'm not. I know what I'm doing is the right thing. But they seem to have this idea, I think, that since I wasn't overly active in Ethan's upbringing for six years (for the most part), that I don't know my son very well or what's best for him. You know what? I wasn't around for him at 2, I wasn't around much for him at 5 even, but dammit, I'm here for age 7 and I spent a buttload of time with him, and I 'm the one who is with him when he melts down over something he doesn't understand, and I know what helps him calm down. I know him at age 7, and, for now, that's what matters. I lost time with him growing up and they're still treating me like I'm not around or something. Like I don't know my son. I've been around and active in his life for the last year (or more) and I aparently still don't know what the hell I'm doing with my son. Well, they can screw off. I'm just sick of being put down like this. They don't mean to, I'm sure. But dammit, I'm so sick of this. I just wanted to be respected as Ethan's mother, I want to be treated like I know what I'm talking about when I'm sick and the doctor tells me what's going on. I deserve to be respected to know what's best for my own body, and I deserve to be respected as Ethan's mother knowing what I'm doing with him. I'm doing my best, and I'm sick of being continually treated and punished for those years I was gone. I know I screwed up. But good grief, I deserve a chance to be my son's mom, and to know that what I'm doing to take care of myself is the best thing for me. I just want to be me, for once. I'm sick of trying to transform for each person, or group of people, I'm around. I just want to be me. Why can't I just be me and have that be okay for once?!