MinnesotanMommy's Journal

Tonight. Oh heavens. Where to start. It was all going relatively well for a while. Ethan and I went to work to pick up Carl so we could go buy school clothes for Ethan. We went to Pizza Hut together, as a family, which we don't get to do often. It was fun. Ethan was laughing. Carl was laughing. I was laughing. It was a good meal and a good time. Then came Walmart. That's when it all started I'm afraid. My son had a weepy meltdown. He wanted a shirt with a cool toy attached. He has a disorder of some sort, though we're not sure exactly what it is. First his therapist was thinking oppositional defiant disorder, now she's leaning towards Asperger's. All I know is his meltdown was characteristic of Asperger's more then it is of ODD. Either way, we're fighting a demon with him and we're not entirely sure what it is yet. He's due to be tested at this therapist's office eventually. I'ma ask her if she has the paperwork for me yet. It'll be about two and a half weeks when we go in again, since she mentioned doing it. So hopefully she's had enough time to at least get the paperwork together so we can get this started and get him an appointment for the testing so we can figure out just what we're dealing with so I can learn more about whatever it is so I can help him work through it. All I know is my son melts down in tears when he's frustrated and I feel helpless in helping him calm down cuz I just don't know exactly what to do all the time, and I want to know, and if I at least had an idea, I could connect with others who have children who have whatever it is that Ethan has, so I can learn tips, study on whatever it is. I feel like I'm fighting an invisible monster sometimes. There's something going on with Ethan I don't quite understand and the older he gets, the more I'm noticing it come out at us. He is usually pretty well behaved when we shop. So what set him off, I'm not entirely sure, and it doesn't really matter. What matters is that it took us the entire hour or so of shopping to calm him down and make him smile again in between fits of crying. This isn't your typical pitch-a-fit-to-get-what-you-want fit. This is a genunine frustration and upset cry. While he wanted what he wanted and didn't get it, there was more to this. People who were looking on probably thought he was just crying cuz he didn't get his way. We know its more then that. I don't say that because he's my son and I want to baby him. I say it because his therapist is starting to confirm the suspicions that I've had for years now. I knew something was going on with my son, I just couldn't seem to put my finger on it and half the people around me are in denial that my little boy could possibly have something more then a temper on him. While he does indeed have a temper, this is more then I know how to control. It isn't the temper I don't know how to control, its far deeper then a temper. I've dealt with tempers, I have one as a matter of fact, one that can be ugly to deal with sometimes. He has a genuine problem and I'm not entirely sure what it is, and that upsets me. Not upset as in makes me angry. Upset as in it hurts me on a deep level. I want so much to help Ethan feel better, to help him understand. He'll sit and cry, just weep, when we do homework, because he can't seem to understand the math problem, or he keeps getting a spelling word wrong but gets the rest right. This isn't always a crying fit to get what he wants. He'll randomly cry when he gets super frustrated. And it makes me sad that I can't seem to help him. I want so much to help my little boy so he can function on an easier level. Being a kid isn't easy, but it doesn't have to be as difficult as it sometimes is for him. I truly am having some deep compassion for him tonight. I'm increasingly growing more compassionate with him though. More patient and understanding. I've never known a side to me that could be overly patient with a child. I love kids, and I can be good with them even, but I've never been known to be overly patient over a long period of time, and tonight in Walmart, I've never ever known myself to not be angry over a meltdown such as he had, and this time all I felt was geniune compassion and understanding, and I was just desperate to calm him down and help him to feel better and regain control over his emotions. It was a new side to myself. And I want and hope it continues to grow stronger cuz that's what Ethan needs from me. He needs me to be understanding yet firm and consistent with him. Anyhow, just thinking out loud here. I needed to after all the thoughts that ran through my head on the way home. My mind has been turning this night around like crazy.

So what exactly went wrong tonight? Ethan's meltdown set Carl off. He became impatient. Very impatient. I will give him credit for being good with Ethan. He was impatient on and off with Ethan, and suddenly he was in some kind of hurry that came out of no where. He knew we were school clothes shopping and that just isn't an overly fast process. The shirts are easy to shop for. But the jeans take longer. We had to try three diff sizes. We finally found a size in the waist that fits, but the length is insanely long, so gramma is going to have to hem them this weekend so he can wear them. He's just too short for his own good. We got him some looking shoes that look durable. Hopefully they are. Then the underwere and socks, like normal.

So, that's my take on what's going on. I mostly had to write about the stuff turning around in my head. I just had to get it out in writing tonight. I haven't been into writing about things lately, but, with the school year beginning, comes my writing usually. I sorta fall into a routine with it and enjoy it again. Kinda a jag I go into. Hopefully this is going to restart, my writing, and prove to help me get some things out so they don't build up again and again and again.

Good news is I'm going into week 6 of no meds and I'm still doing really well! Only thing I really have to complain about is that I'm horribly picking the skin around my nails, so bad its hurting and sometimes I'm having to put BandAids on them to stop me from picking at it so badly. Its painful! Otherwise emotionally I'm doing suprisingly well and the nurse said it'd take me 4-6 weeks to see the full effects of no meds. So far I haven't seen anything that bothers me too much. In fact, I've gotten my patience back, my irritability has gone way down, and a host of other improvements actually. I know with time we'll see the total change, but, so far, so good. I'm hoping and praying the improvement continues.

AND...last but not least...I had camphylobacter! I'm on a 10 day round of antibiotics, only after I had a 3 day run already! They were running sensitivity testing on the cultures to see what it'd respond to and the found it responded to Bactrum (I think that's what its called), so I'm on a 10 day round of that to knock this out. We think its the water supply that's infected (well water here), so I refuse to use anything that isn't bottled right now, until we can get the water tested. I just bought a bunch of bottled water tonight. I am not risking it again. I've been sick for a full week. I'm slightly improving, but I still have slight diarreah, and the nausea is on and off at times yet, and I'm still run down after only doing a little bit of stuff around here. This stuff is NASTY on the body. I wouldn't be nearly as concerned, but Ethan had a positive test for it a month ago, and we think Carl had the same thing right after me cuz he started to present the same symptoms a few days after I did. The doctor put him on antibiotics at the same time I did, but they didn't run him on a second run of them like they are to me cuz he hasn't been in to be seen, but I'm sure if I called and talked to the doctor, if Carl's symptoms don't continue to improve over the weekend, that the doctor would call in a script for the same med for him too. That doctor is good that way. So hopefully I'll see some more improvement. The improvement is improvement, but its been minimal so far. I don't like taking meds anymore then I need to, but I need to or I'm never going to feel better! Living my life in the bathroom for almost a week is enough.

So, that's that.