MinnesotanMommy's Journal

Holy baloney! (I know I didn't spell that right and it really doesn't matter to me at this hour anyhow!). It took me like 5 minutes to load this page. Totally insane. I hate when my computer pukes up at me like that. Very nice...not. Its the gremlins, I tell you, the little itty bitty gremlins in my computer. I swear, its true people. No, I'm not drunk. I'm not high. I'm an insomniac that's in between overtired and hitting a very tired point (med induced of course as I probably would sleep very little without my sedating meds and little sleep screws with my mental health...bad stuff). So...in advance, forgive me if this is either short...or if its rambling about various odd things or life in general in the last little while, if I repeat something from previous entries, or if I'm randomly chatter on about absolutely makes no sense items. LOL. So, here goes. I have no idea where I'm going with this.

So I was MIA here. I posted pics on and off, updated a status once in a whie, and yeah. I didn't write here, I didn't update about life, nothing. It started before I went to Ohio in late May/early June. I hit a severely low depression for a few weeks in May, well, basically, from April sometime into May and I was sick of it. My sister helped me get on a plane (financial help) to fly to Ohio and spent 9 days with them. It was a wonderfully fantastic time for me! I felt content. Prior to this trip, I basically demaned that my psychiatrist make a massive med change or I'd quit my meds cold turkey whether they liked it or not because what I was on quit working AGAIN. (I seem to build a nasty tollerance to anything they put me on for some reason and every few months, or so, I need a med revamp to regain stability. So...the med change happened shortly before the Ohio trip. In Ohio, I thought the meds were helping. But upon reflection of it all, I didn't know in reality if they were working or not because...HELLO...I was on vacation with next to no responsibilties and tons of leisure time on my hands to rest, recoup, regroup and enjoy myself. I came home and within two weeks, or less, I was literally unable to function for some unknown reason. My husband took over our laundry cuz it'd keep piling up. My home health aide took over the majority of the house work when she came in twice a week cuz I just couldn't seem to function at a good level. I could barely get myself to shower or change clothes. I quit doing my food logs, my eating behavoir tracking, my DBT diary cards, all things I would normally do in a week and they are things that have proven to be beneficial to my recovery on all levels. I did my homework for group just for the sake of doing it, not getting a lot out of it because I was simply going through the motions at the time. I quit answering messages I'd get online, I quit answering e-mails,  I quit playing a game on Facebook that I loved playing, I quit reading, about the only things I'd watch on TV were my weekly favorites as well as The Flintstones, The Jetsons, and lots of The Golden Girls (I have some strang obsession with those reruns I'm noticing. Bizzare, I know.

So let's fast forward now that I have you a little history of the last month and a half or so. 

(okay, now I can finish this...Carl got up around 2 AM and drug me to bed since I was still up and he knew I needed sleep...good thing he did that! I ended up saving this as private until I could finish it today!)

Well, so now we're on current day. I'll back up a little bit a week or two here. So I got sick of how I was feeling, so I decided it was time to come off all my meds, every last one of them, and only be on my required vitamins.  So I went off of them on a Saturday and I was doing relatively well considering. BUT...then Sunday, I think it was, I got two bee stings on my chest, how that happened is yet to be determined! Anyhow, within a day I had just crazy mysterious symptoms outta no where. My skin started to randomly itch, my eyes felt dry even though they weren't, just a bunch of things that weren't adding up in my mind. Finally Tuesday rolls around and I'm at my worst. I had cancelled my group and therapy appointment cuz I knew there was no way I'd tolerate having my eyes open that long. And Tuesday I cancelled some appointments of mine but kept Ethan's therapy appointment. Well, not such a good idea actually. I was driving and about half way there I'd turned to head towards where the appointment is and I couldn't figure out if I was on the right road, and I've driven it many times before that, so it kinda scared me. After Ethan's appointment I called Carl asking if he could take me to the doctor and that was a no go, but he called me later and told me I HAD to get to the doctor cuz this was starting to scare him. So Carl's mom took me, despite having flood like rains pouring, and I come to find out, it's just "nerves" and I need to see my med nurse as planned. I just cried my eyes out when I talked to Carl, had a good half hour of crying I think. It was embarassing, first off, to be told it was just "nerves" and then the fact that I might have to go back on my meds REALLY upset me. I wasn't going off them to "show them" this time. This time it was cuz I feel I have enough coping skills in hand to live my live w/o them. Well, supposedly the venom from the stings triggered my mood issues again. So Carl told me to resume my meds, for now at least. I did, and I guess I'm doing well enough, but I'm not happy about this one bit. It isn't so much that I have an issue with being on meds as much as I long to be off my meds cuz I think I can make it w/o them finally. I told Carl I failed at getting my meds off and he said that I hadn't, that this bee sting had caused a reaction in my body and it wasn't handling it well. Guess that's one way to look at it. So I saw my med nurse (my psychiatrist left the facility for a new job so now I have a med nurse, as I call her) and she said all the symptoms I presented were consistent with anxiety, except the dry eyes and to try going back on my allergy eye drops to see if that might help, cuz she said it sounded like my eyes were having a slight allergic reaction to the stings. Well, I tried the allergy eye drops again and now my eyes are fine. She told me that she sees this a lot in kids after a major experience that stirs them up...that a person will have a delayed anxiety reaction to something that happened and it may be consious or unconsious. In my case, it was totally unconsious. I didn't actually feel the anxiety, but for some reason my body reacted with anxiety I didn't know about. So anyhow, I'm doing better, but I'm still kinda "numb" emotionally, as I had been since they started me on the new meds in May. I am a very passionate person and to not feel my emotions fully is killing me. I feel anger, anxiety and irritability in full, but the rest, the joy, sadness, excitement, all those, I don't feel much of anything anymore. No real feelings of pleasure right now. Its driving me nuts really. Anyhow, so I'm going to talk to Carl and see how he feels about me trying to go off my meds, with my med nurse's help in weaning off them this time, around September/October maybe. Not exactly sure when I plan on it. But I want to get off them before I get pregnant, and also so I can nurse our next child. With the meds I'm on now, I wouldn't be able to nurse our next child and that's very important to me. So anyhow, we'll see what happens with all that when it happens.

So...current day. I'm doing relatively well. Treatment is wonderful. I'm rarely bingeing now actually. I do overeat on and off yet, and I graze on and off, but my binges are next to nothing finally, which feels sooooooooooo nice! Last night at group went fantastic and got me back on track...for now anyhow. ODAT (one day at a time). So far, so good, on my routine. I feel positive about my treatment right now. Its nice to feel this way about it. I'm very encouraged that my binge eating will eventually be nearly non existant and that I'll have a relatively "normal" relationship with food over time!

I'm totally busy this week. I went to group yesterday, which takes up like 9 1/2 hours total of my  day. I leave at 1 PM and have group at 4, done with that at 7 PM, then we drive home and I get home around 9:30 PM. Today I have my home health aide coming (mostly to sit and visit I think, LOL), then we have to go to town for Ethan's therapy appointment, then lunch and some idle time (which I SO need today) and then my support worker comes at 3. Tomorrow is my parenting educator coming out in the morning, then in the afternoon I go to the dentist. Then Wednesday I have something going on in town, I think, but I can't exactly recall exactly what it is right now. Then Thursday I start out early as can be, having to be at the chiropractor at 7:50 AM, and then therapy at 9, and then out to the coffee shop to meet with a dear friend of mine to visit and catch up. Then Friday is my home health aide for a bit, oh, and I see my med nurse that day as well. Then Saturday afternoon is a wedding for a friend of the family. Then Sunday is my birthday so the day is unplanned at this point. I *might* start attending the church I was going to for a while, some time ago. I'm still fighting with myself over restarting my experience at that church. I have many issues underlying that that I need to work my way past. Then Monday I see my dietitian and then it's group again. So I'm booked solid for a week!

Well, there you have it. I'm now answering e-mails and messages. So if you haven't heard back from me as of yet, I'm in the process of answering personal messages and e-mails again. I just restarted a couple days ago, so its taking me time to catch up. LOL. But...I'm getting there. I'm starting to enjoy reading again, and I'm still obsessed with The Flintstones and The Golden Girls. And I still have a twisted sense of humor. LOL. So yeah, I better go. I have some more things I'd like to accomplish yet this morning (if possible, with its not looking favorable with the schedule I have this morning, LOL). I hope everyone is doing well this fine day!