Seddah's Journal

(Yes, the title's from that song.)

I feel like shit.  I hate my coworker, I don't want to be dating my "boyfriend" (and soon I won't be), I don't want to do anything, I spend all day on the couch, and I constantly hate myself.  And everyone else.  I'm ridiculously irritable and antisocial.  I generally talk about 95% less when depressed.  Give monosyllabic answers, am disinterested in almost everything, constantly bored, constantly ill.

I can't wait for the end of November when my contract at work will be up and I can leave.  My boss really likes me and wants me to stay, but I cannot fucking stand Rob.  He's such a goddamn prick.  He randomly breaks down yelling at us (my boss, Katherine, and I) whenever he's "upset".  He's such a fuckass (yes, I stole that phrase, too -- points if you get the reference).

I don't want to be around people, but I don't want to be alone.  Actually, the only people I can stand to be around are my brother, his girlfriend, and their friends.  Apparently 17-year-olds are more tolerable (and their company is more enjoyable) than 20-somethings.  20-somethings have had too much time to become pretentious.

GOD, my "boyfriend" is SO pretentious.  Whenever I say something about a song or game I like, he starts "educating" me about it.  And it pisses me off, because he's being a condescending ass and I already know the things he's telling me.  We will not be lasting long.

And I had another seizure.  Friday before last.  At work.  The day before Rob had his little "meltdown".  Before that freak-out, I actually kinda liked the guy.  He was a good buffer between some of the more annoying "customers" and I.  But that doesn't negate his epic douchedom.

I know that when I'm depressed I'm oversensitive (or at least more sensitive than usual), but people really are douchebags.  Or at least the ones I've been dealing with lately.  I like the women in my office at work, but everyone else is a fucktard (aforementioned friends of my brother and family excluded).

When I wake up, I'm still tired.  Sometimes I'm more tired than when I went to bed.  It takes forever to fall asleep and I can hardly stay asleep.  I go for days without any real sleep and then crash for a night, sleeping for like 14 hours.  I've been having the same nightmare over and over.  Every night, more is added to it.  It always takes place in this part of town that feels somewhat familiar, but at the same time, I know I don't know it (mostly because it doesn't exist).  In the latest installment, I met my boyfriend's (Kyle's) family.  I've never met them before, but I definitely didn't like the nightmare versions of them.  His dad tried to rape me and Kyle did nothing.  I know it's a nightmare, but still.  There was a part of it that took place in the mall (but not the one from our town), but I can't remember everything that happened there.  In any case, the scariest parts of the nightmare all took place in the townhouses where I met Kyle's family.  There's this blue, transparent monster that's attempting to kill us all (the "us" in this situation includes people I know and people who don't exist, but I like them all) can pass through walls (like Shadowcat) so it's almost impossible to escape.  It's kind of slow, but it feels inevitable that it will hunt you down and kill you.

I don't understand these stupid nightmares.  I hate them.  They're frustrating as hell.

End rant.