Seddah's Journal

I know I should be working right now, but I don't have much to do around the office today and I'm just not feelin' the office vibe.

Today, Sheila came in, who was my "boss" of sorts during the first 6 weeks of the program I'm in (it's a program that provides training and job placements in order to start a career in the arts), and spoke to my current boss, Sandra.  Though everything I heard was positive, I still can't help worrying I'm doing something wrong.  I don't know if it's a lack of confidence or just the fact that I'm always convinced I'll fail.  At everything.

I'm working 9-5 now, and surprisingly, I kind of like it.  I really like having a solid schedule, as opposed to shift work.  It's so much easier to plan things.  I know, I'm turning into a yuppie-cyborg (I'd say 'android' but I like cyborgs better).

So my phone bill for the month was just under $300.  That's almost a full week's pay (pathetically).  Why was my bill so astronomically inclined?  The dreaded break-up call. A few months ago, I started dating a girl I've known for around 6 years.  Things were great, except that it was long distance.  She'd made plans to move back here, but not for a few months.  We talked every day, and texted and e-mailed as much as possible.  But then lately she'd been getting distant.  I tried to ignore it, act like it wasn't happening, but I knew what was going on.

I texted her last weekend, asking how she was and what she was up to.  She told me she was 'bawling her eyes out' and from there, she confessed everything.  She'd cheated on me with a girl who lived closer to her (same town, in fact), she in actuality had no plans to moveback here, and the girl she'd cheated with had been hit by a truck (as in truck vs girl) not 20 minutes after doing the deed and was having her pelvis put back together.

So how did all this lead to a $300 phone bill?  Well, me being me (meaning 'an idiot'), I called her.  1) To break up; 2) to comfort her.  $300 later, I was single, miserable, and basically dumped.

You'd think I would learn.  When Dawn (that's her name) and I started dating, I couldn't get over how well she treated me.  I was just used to being treated like dirt by Kevin and other previous boyfriends.  It was unbelievable to me that I could be in a relationship in which I was respected and actually loved.  That realization was slightly depressing; that being treated with basic human decency by my girl/boyfriend felt like being treated like royalty since I've come to expect feeling like absolute crap while in a relationship.  Which begs the question then; why bother?  No clue.  I don't want to be alone.  At least I'm honest, right?

I don't believe in the whole "Mr. Right" thing, but I do believe that love is real and you can find someone who's perfect for you if you try.

But the thing I cannot stand in relationships is a lack of communication.  Kevin was like a goddamn government agency for all the information he gave me about his thoughts or feelings.  Dawn was a lot more open until she and Ella began hooking up.  Then the info centre closed.

A lack of communication in any relationship makes me uneasy.  Being kept in the dark too long makes me really anxious.  I like to know everything, so knowing nothing, especially in regards to a relationship, is really hard.

At this point I feel I've lost focus and am just rambling on.  I don't know what I'm trying to say.  Maybe this is just a general update about my life (who cares, right?).  Maybe it doesn't matter what it is.