Seddah's Journal

I hate myself.  Not exactly a confession since I'm sure that fact is well-documented here.  I've been feeling even worse than usual lately.  And now the pharmacy won't refill my celexa so I'm off them until they'll bother to let me fill my script.  That'll really be great for my mood.

I need to see an OB/GYN.  I've been trying to get in to see one, but the only doctor I'm comfortable with is out of town until ... I'm not sure when.  But as she's still out of town right now, it really doesn't matter.

I don't get my period.  I get one day every few months where I start spotting for less than an hour and then I don't get my period.  Ever.  At all.  It's gotten worse.  I used to get it every four months or so, but now it's just occasional spotting and nothing else.  Well, not nothing.  I get cramps and I feel bloated, but I don't actually get my period.  And I'm worried.  I've never had a fully regular period, but way back when it started, I at least got it almost regularly.  Then after a few years it slowly started coming less and less frequently.  I wasn't quick to complain, because who really wants their period?  But now it's stopped completely.  What if I have something?  Something dangerous?  Or ... Okay, I don't want to admit this, because I feel like an idiot for thinking it, but... what if it's cancer?  I mean, I haven't done research on ovarian cancer or anything (or any medical conditions that affect your period for that matter), but you'd think it would affect your period.  Am I crazy?

I know depression can affect it, but this has been a fairly steady recession of my periods, whereas my depressive episodes have been ... I guess, erratic.  Maybe I'm overreacting.  But really, who wouldn't think something was going on if you just stopped having your period?  I'm TWENTY-ONE, not 60.  This isn't menopause.  It can't be.  Can it?  Am I really going through menopause?  Am I really going to be unable to have children?

I'm getting ahead of myself.  But I'm scared.  I can't help it.  Thinking of all the horrible things that it could be is terrifying.  I've never really wanted kids, but I always thought I'd change my mind if I met the right man.  What if what I want doesn't matter?  What if I can't have children?  What's going to happen to me?  I'm terrified of a lot of things right now.  Adding this to the list is going to drive me crazy.  I have so many fucking medical conditions!  Why?  Why do I have to have so many?  I am so glad that my brother and sister don't have to deal with medical problems, but... why does it always have to be me?  I don't want them to get sick, but I don't want to get sick either.  I am so fucking tired of always ending up in the hospital.  I hate this!  I just want... for once in my whole fucking life, I just want to be healthy.

But that's never going to happen.