Journal

Am I just overreacting about what happened with Mat?  Every time I try to talk to someone about it, they reply, "That sucks", as if I said to them, "I lost my keys."

Only one person thought that maybe I was going through something when I told him what happened.  Vince.  I've known him for a while.  We're not close friends or anything.  More like acquaintances.  But I feel like I can be more honest with him than anyone else because he's the only who's taking me seriously.  Everyone else acts like this happens every day.  They're acting like I claim sexual assault every day.

Who's right?  Is Vince right?  Or is everyone else right and I'm just overreacting?

I'm breaking up with Mat in 20 minutes (on my lunch break).  I need help.  I need strength and courage for this.  I'm unbelievably anxious right now.

Wish me luck.

I didn't think that this would be so hard.

On Friday night, I explained to my (soon to be ex) boyfriend about my past experiences with less than honourable men (aka guys who took advantage) and I also told him that I was/am on my period.  Saturday night he came over and we were lying down.  I fell asleep, only to be woken by him repositioning me (like a doll) and insisting we have sex.  I said no.  Besides all of the reasons I'd given him the night before, I didn't want to.  He didn't care that I didn't want to.  He just kept touching inappropriately and complaining about how he hadn't had sex in so long and he didn't want to wait anymore.  I had to say no at least three times and physically push him away before he got the message.

Today, I'm at work.  And what I didn't think would be so hard is just functioning like a normal human being.  I am trying so hard not to cry or break down.  I'm thinking of going down to the hospital on my lunch break to talk to someone.  I've tried to talk to friends but they all have their own problems to deal with.  They just don't know how upset I really am.  I hate having to "be strong".  I hate having to pretend I'm okay and that it just rolls off my back because it doesn't.  I haven't slept through the night since Friday.  I can't sleep, I'm exhausted, and yet I can't stay awake.  On Sunday I just watched DVDs and hung out at home, but I was exhausted.  I tried to nap, but I couldn't sleep.

I feel horrible and I don't know what to do.  I wish I could just go home and curl up in bed, but this week is my last week at this job and I don't want to leave on bad terms.  What do I do?

Fuck. This. Job.

My boss is an idiot.  She's a fucking idiot.  She doesn't know what the fuck she's doing.  She gives me all these stupid jobs and expects me to just instinctively know what it is she wants of me when all she says is "You're going to run this event" or "Work on that".  Work on it how?  Do what to it?  What needs to be done?  She doesn't have a fucking clue.  She doesn't realize that she's the only one living in her fucking head and the rest of us out int he real world have no fucking idea what the fuck she means by all her bullshit.  I fucking hate this job.

It was okay in the beginning.  Hell, I can even deal with crazy Rob now.  I don't fucking care.  But Sandra?  No.  NO FUCKING WAY.  I don't know if I can finish this stupid contract.  This job is fucking clown shoes.

I hate my life.  I fucking hate this fucking bitch job.  Sandra never gives you a reason for getting shit done by a certain time.  She doesn't let you know what the hell you're supposed to be getting done when.  She never tells you any of the deadlines and then gets pissed if you miss one.

I want to quit.  I don't want to deal with this bitch shit anymore.  I can't quit, though.  I need the money.  I want to kill myself.  I fucking hate this job.  So fucking much.  I hate myself.  I hate my life.