Journal

I am a mom of 2 girls, one teenage, one pre-teen.  I have been married for over 16 years to a man who turned to drugs approximatley 4-5 years ago.  Currently, I believe he is not using for the past maybe 2 months.  During the past 3 and a half years, after I first confronted him about the drug use (before that i didnt fully know what was going on, or was too naive about it), and also an affair (which he never admitted to). That is when the real abuse started. Before that time, I dont feel I was an "abused wife".  He has some control issues here and there, and some jealousy issues, but he never went into rages or talked to me the way he has since the confrontations began.  

So for the past 3 1/2 years, I mainly focused on the drugs being the problem in ourmarriage.  I went to alanon and naranon, and practiced the 12 steps.  I tried to get him to go for help.  I got his family involved (in the beginning, and then they didnt want to be involved anymore). My family does not live by me, so I have no local suppot from them. I also have a very, very small family. Its really my mom (remarried), and my sister (divorced). Thats about it for my family.  I have few friends because I drifted from many of them becoming very depressed because of my problems.  

I have been a stay at home mom for most of my marriage. I do have a college degree, but because I have hardly any work experience, it would be hard to get a job, especially in these trying times.  The past year I have been a substitute teacher, and I really liked it, so I am going to take the Praxis test in september, and try to go back to school to get certified.  I was worried about the money to pay for school, but I am going to try not to worry and just get through it.  I go to therapy and have been seeing the same therapist for over 2 years, but dont know if im making progress or not...I also have been starting to see a domestic violence counselor.  

I cant believe this is my life.  But I do have 2 healthy girls, and I have my health (some health issues, but nothing that stops me from doing anything).  I have a few good friends (too bad my best friend from childhood lives way across the country), but i still have some that i talk to. I met alot of nice people from Naranon, and talking to them helps.  I have to look on the bright side and stop feeling sorry for myself.  I have to try to gain strength and not let him bully me.

I beleive my husband has some narcassistic qualities in that he cannot look at himself, it is way too painful.  So, I am afraid he may never get better.  I did get him to go to an addiction specialist, but he still doesnt admit he has a drug problem, and isnt doing anything else for the issue, like counseling.     The addiction dr. hasnt suggested it yet, i think he wants him to be clean for a while before he goes to therapy.  But my husband hates therapy and i dont think he will go. Or he'll go for a short time then quit.  Because it is too painful for him to realize what he is doing/has done, and he does not, like i said, want to look at himself or take responsibility for what he has done and is still doing.  

He doesnt believe he is an abuser, and he says that grabbing my arm is not domestic violence.  

He has gone into rages, and it is very scary when that happens. The addiction dr. thinks it may be "intermittent explosive disorder", but i dont buy it.  Even if he does have that disorder, he still can be very cruel and his thinking is not rational at times.  Is it the drugs?? well, maybe it contributes, but i dont think just stopping using will help.  Twelve step meetings do get you to realy "look at yourself", but he wont go to them anyway.  He has social anxiety, i believe and so him talking in front of a group of strangers is just not going to happen with him. 

 Our day-to-day life is usually not too bad, except I am very bored.  I am a social person and we have no couple friends, rarely get together with his family (like i said,mine do not live close by), and i have very few friends as well.  I take care of the house and kids and work as a substitute teacher during the school year.  My husband does not like to go out much, and i know i need to just go out and do things without him, but i sometimes just dont know what to do or where to do. The girls dont like to do "things with mom" too much anymore either. Illl go shopping, but i try not to spend too much money and how much shopping can you do.  I dont have any hobbies, never have.   I dont have alot of self esteem, which is obvious beccauseif i did , i wouldnt be in this situation.  My dad left my mom, sister and me, which is fine, my parents didnt really "love" each other. But he moved to a state with no alimony and he didnt pay child support until the court made him. And that was next to nothing. He is a very selfish man and i havent seen him in about 20 years.  I also was overweight as a kid and those 2 things, i believe led me to have low self-esteem. I ahve never been one to go out and get what i want...i just "go with the flow' and wait for life to grab my by the horns, instead of me going out and grabbing IT.  I think that if i had more friends, and did things with them, or had my family close by I would feel much better.  I get lonely and bored.  During the school year, I am busier and that does help me.  I think about how I can try to meet new friends, but its hard when I am not working in an environment where I can meet people.  I am trying to think of new ideas to meet other women and make new friends.  DS is great, but having people close by to get together with would be much better.  

I am trying to get stronger....I am trying to not feel sorry for myself and Im trying to take care of me and my girls.  I hate the feeling of anxiousness in my own house, and I hate the feeling of "waling on eggshells" or having to watch what I say and do.  I want to feel FREE!!!  I want to be loved by a healthy individual who will not talk down to me and who will listen to my feelings, and who is emotionally mature. I just want to be HAPPY.  And not have to worry all the time about what is going to happen next. I want to be able to enjoy life and what the future holds. I want to look forward to the future, not dread it.