vanillabean's Journal

Today I decided I would start keeping a journal of my thoughts and feelings regarding the loss of my dog Jasper.  I feel journaling is a way to express myself and help in the healing process.  Hopefully others may find it helpful as well.

My 13 year old dog Jasper died 2 days ago on Wednesday, January 28, 2009.  Those are hard words to type, "Jasper died."  As I journal I will share memories of my dog and of what happened but for now I want to focus on my feelings.  This is what I've felt the last couple of days and today.

Wednesday, January 28-  I wake up this morning after another sleepless night.  My dog Jasper didn't sleep well again and had to go out to the bathroom in the middle of the night as he is having trouble holding his urine now.  For the past week and a half he's been struggling.  He has metastatic lung cancer which I'm now told could have possibly spread to the brain given his new symptoms.  Only a visit to the neurologist and an MRI can confirm this of course but what's the point.  My dog is dying.  The vet on Monday took him off of his pain medication Rimadyl to try a new drug prednisone which could relieve some of his symptoms.  He only took it one day and it didn't work.  Maybe it takes a few days but I'm not willing to watch him suffer anymore.  Yesterday was the first day he stopped following me everywhere.  He laid in a spot away from me, not near me as usual, and when I walked in the door he didn't lift his head.  I know it's time but still can't make the final decision.  Do I give the medication more time to work?  My husband, struggling with the difficult decision as well, finally makes it and calls the vet.  They tell him they will euthanize him and that we could bring him in right away.  From then on I don't remember much other than my children had to say goodbye.  We got to the vet, signed the papers, and kissed him and told him we loved him as they took him to the back to sedate him and put the IV catheter in his front leg.  When they brought him back to the room they carried him in on a blanket and laid him on the table.  He was very calm, and not shaking like he was when we brought him in.  His eyes were open and blinking.  We looked into his eyes and told him we loved him so much.  The vet then came in and administered the drug as my husband continued to look into his eyes and pet his head.  I was rubbing his belly.  As soon as the drug was injected he just stopped breathing and finally was at peace.  The vet told us to spend as much time as we wanted with him.  We spent a few moments, kissed him and said our final goodbyes.  It was hard for me to see him lying lifeless on that table but I was relieved that he was no longer in pain.  We leave the vets office with his leash, collar, favorite toy and a box of Kleenex.  I am numb.  When we get home I walk in the door and immediately start missing him and start crying.  I cried all day long and had difficulty sleeping.

Thursday, January 29 2009-  I wake up in the morning having to face my first day without my precious Jasper.  My husband and kids take another day off.  This day was even more difficult then yesterday.  I so desperately want him back, not sick, but healthy.  My heart aches so deeply for him.  The house is empty and will never be the same.  I cleaned his dog dishes last night and placed them back where we kept them.  His bag of dog food and toy basket are still in place.  I want to keep his things as they are because it makes me feel a part of him is still here.  My husband and I spend some time in the backyard.  I cry because he spent a lot of time in the backyard when he was younger.  As he got older and after he was diagnosed with the cancer he spent most of his time in the house so being in the backyard signified to me days when he was young and healthy.  The days he could jump and run and play ball.  I start to feel anger today.  I'm angry at cancer and how cruel it was to my baby.  Why oh why did my baby have to leave me?  I've never felt this much pain.  Well meaning friends and family say I should get another puppy and that it would help ease the pain but all I can think is that I don't want another dog, I just want Jasper!  I find myself thinking he is still here.  The kids leave food on the coffee table and I immediately clean it up thinking that Jasper might eat it.  I take the trash outside, passing his dog dishes and think he's out of water and I must fill his dish.  These are just fleeting thoughts and then I remember he's gone and he's never coming back.  I find his stuffed monkey that we bought him this past Christmas and I remember how he took it out of his stocking before I could get it down.  I smell him as I hold the monkey in my arms.  I find video I took of him last summer and a year ago Christmas.  The family watches it and we feel soothed and are able to smile and laugh for a brief time.  I'm so thankful I have that video of him.  I go to bed with his stuffed monkey and finally get a good night's sleep.