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vanillabean 
12:04pm, February 20, 2009
It's been awhile since I've written. I've been busy with our new puppy Maverick. He is a 10 week old Akita and we've had him for 2 weeks now. I never thought I would get another dog this soon after Jasper's passing and a part of me felt guilty. I worked through that guilt quickly and am so glad to have Maverick in my life. I love him so much and am enjoying every minute with him (even the potty accidents and constant chewing). A part of me felt I was being disloyal to Jasper. I've worked through those feelings and know Jasper would be happy that I'm not crying all the time. Yesterday was the first day that I didn't shed a tear for Jasper. I usually have tearful moments (mostly at night) but it is no longer the all day tearfulness. I've had signs from Jasper and know that he is happy and in a much better place. He's moved on and now I must start moving on and learn to live without him. His love for me and my love for him will always be in my heart and I have so many good memories that I will cherish for the rest of my life. I finally got Jasper's ashes back from the vet on Monday so he is resting in our family room. I kiss his picture and talk to him everyday. I miss him so much and wish I could see and hug him again. I know one of these days I will. God has blessed us with another wonderful dog and my focus is on him. He deserves the same love and attention that we gave Jasper. He's not Jasper and is unique and we look forward to making lots of good memories with him. I feel Jasper everyday and know that he is smiling and is happy for me.
Here it is Sunday, four days since Jasper's passing. Friday I woke up and faced my first day alone. The kids went back to school and hubby went back to work. I cried as soon as I walked in the door after taking my youngest to school. As I sat on the couch I kept glancing down at the floor where he used to take his morning nap. I started talking to the space where he used to lie and told him how much I loved him and missed him. It made me feel a little better talking to him. I can't help but feel that he is still around me and still hears me. I finally opened the blinds and put on some music and did some much needed housework. I paid some bills and it felt good to actually get something accomplished. My mom came up in the afternoon and we had a nice visit. I felt good until the evening and then I started missing him again. I remember how he used to go to the garage door every night at about 7pm to wait for my husband. My husband always came home around that time and Jasper knew. I find myself laughing at the time when we moved the clocks back and Jasper would go to the door at 6pm. Hard to explain to a dog the concept of daylight savings. Saturday morning I awoke and felt ok most of the day. In the morning I laid on the rug in my bathroom where he would lie when I took a shower. I sobbed for awhile. Going to the bathroom isn't the same as he used to try and push his way in the door before I could close it or would whine until I finished doing my business. I miss that. We went to my parent's house for my dad's birthday. I was reminded that we no longer had to say "we've got to get home so Jasper can go the bathroom." We didn't get home until after 9:00 and it was difficult for all of us to walk through the door and not have Jasper there to greet us with a toy in his mouth. I didn't sleep well last night but didn't shed any tears when I awoke this morning. I finally threw out his dog food and some leftover dog treats. I threw out the e-collar he had to wear after his surgery that he hated so much. I sorted out his favorite toys and am saving the rest of his toys for the new pup we decided to get today. The puppy will be coming home with us on Wednesday. He's not Jasper's replacement and never could be but we are so happy to have another dog to love. I didn't think it would be this soon but it feels right. I know I still have many tears to shed for Jasper but I know that he would want us to be happy and to give our love to another dog. I'm also working on setting up a memorial for Jasper. I'm going to frame a picture to place next to his ashes and maybe frame a poem. I also want to place a couple of his favorite toys and his collar near his ashes as well. He will stay with us in our family room which was his favorite place. I'm still very sad and miss him so much and I know I will feel this way for a long time.
Today I decided I would start keeping a journal of my thoughts and feelings regarding the loss of my dog Jasper. I feel journaling is a way to express myself and help in the healing process. Hopefully others may find it helpful as well.
My 13 year old dog Jasper died 2 days ago on Wednesday, January 28, 2009. Those are hard words to type, "Jasper died." As I journal I will share memories of my dog and of what happened but for now I want to focus on my feelings. This is what I've felt the last couple of days and today.
Wednesday, January 28- I wake up this morning after another sleepless night. My dog Jasper didn't sleep well again and had to go out to the bathroom in the middle of the night as he is having trouble holding his urine now. For the past week and a half he's been struggling. He has metastatic lung cancer which I'm now told could have possibly spread to the brain given his new symptoms. Only a visit to the neurologist and an MRI can confirm this of course but what's the point. My dog is dying. The vet on Monday took him off of his pain medication Rimadyl to try a new drug prednisone which could relieve some of his symptoms. He only took it one day and it didn't work. Maybe it takes a few days but I'm not willing to watch him suffer anymore. Yesterday was the first day he stopped following me everywhere. He laid in a spot away from me, not near me as usual, and when I walked in the door he didn't lift his head. I know it's time but still can't make the final decision. Do I give the medication more time to work? My husband, struggling with the difficult decision as well, finally makes it and calls the vet. They tell him they will euthanize him and that we could bring him in right away. From then on I don't remember much other than my children had to say goodbye. We got to the vet, signed the papers, and kissed him and told him we loved him as they took him to the back to sedate him and put the IV catheter in his front leg. When they brought him back to the room they carried him in on a blanket and laid him on the table. He was very calm, and not shaking like he was when we brought him in. His eyes were open and blinking. We looked into his eyes and told him we loved him so much. The vet then came in and administered the drug as my husband continued to look into his eyes and pet his head. I was rubbing his belly. As soon as the drug was injected he just stopped breathing and finally was at peace. The vet told us to spend as much time as we wanted with him. We spent a few moments, kissed him and said our final goodbyes. It was hard for me to see him lying lifeless on that table but I was relieved that he was no longer in pain. We leave the vets office with his leash, collar, favorite toy and a box of Kleenex. I am numb. When we get home I walk in the door and immediately start missing him and start crying. I cried all day long and had difficulty sleeping.
Thursday, January 29 2009- I wake up in the morning having to face my first day without my precious Jasper. My husband and kids take another day off. This day was even more difficult then yesterday. I so desperately want him back, not sick, but healthy. My heart aches so deeply for him. The house is empty and will never be the same. I cleaned his dog dishes last night and placed them back where we kept them. His bag of dog food and toy basket are still in place. I want to keep his things as they are because it makes me feel a part of him is still here. My husband and I spend some time in the backyard. I cry because he spent a lot of time in the backyard when he was younger. As he got older and after he was diagnosed with the cancer he spent most of his time in the house so being in the backyard signified to me days when he was young and healthy. The days he could jump and run and play ball. I start to feel anger today. I'm angry at cancer and how cruel it was to my baby. Why oh why did my baby have to leave me? I've never felt this much pain. Well meaning friends and family say I should get another puppy and that it would help ease the pain but all I can think is that I don't want another dog, I just want Jasper! I find myself thinking he is still here. The kids leave food on the coffee table and I immediately clean it up thinking that Jasper might eat it. I take the trash outside, passing his dog dishes and think he's out of water and I must fill his dish. These are just fleeting thoughts and then I remember he's gone and he's never coming back. I find his stuffed monkey that we bought him this past Christmas and I remember how he took it out of his stocking before I could get it down. I smell him as I hold the monkey in my arms. I find video I took of him last summer and a year ago Christmas. The family watches it and we feel soothed and are able to smile and laugh for a brief time. I'm so thankful I have that video of him. I go to bed with his stuffed monkey and finally get a good night's sleep.
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| June 2008 |
Monday, 6/16
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April 2008 |
Tuesday, 4/22
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Monday, 4/21
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Wednesday, 4/16
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Tuesday, 4/08
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February 2008 |
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Wednesday, 2/20
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Monday, 2/11
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Oh how I can relate. When you said it was hard to say those words "Jasper died", I feel exactly the same way. I look at Simon's pictures and I just can't believe it. "Died" How could he be gone forever? He used to spoon with me when we slept and I wake up in panic and I sleep with his pillow and blanky in my arms and can still smell him and I never want to let go. When I go for my walks with Bop I still carry Simon's harness. I can't leave without him. So may people in neighborhood knew us and I have had to tell the story over and over. It's just SO HARD, and that's such an understatement. I feel your pain, believe me, I feel your pain.
LoveforSimon
I slept with Jasper's stuffed monkey last night. It smelled like him. I know exactly what you mean. I miss hugging him and kissing the top of his head and snout.
vanillabean